The Sopranos - Closed Captions - #26

Episode #26 Transcript
Funhouse
Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©1999 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
Page 1 Page 2 > >
Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

(livia) have some eggplant. I told you, I'm not hungry. Now you won't even accept food from your own mother. Will you please stick to the topic? Oh, sure, sure. You believe that uncle of yours. I never conspired with him. I wish somebody would tell me what you're talking about. Ask your brother. I'm here to get your living situation settled, now with janice gone. Barbara asked me to come here. Beyond that, I got nothing to say to you. Ma, you can't come live with us. I'm sorry, but tom won't allow it. Janice was right. I won't go back to that place. You got that right. They won't have you back at green grove. Tony! She was abusive to the staff! Maybe tom and I should just-- no, no, no, no. Don't listen to the manipulation. You got your own life! If you had a mother that had one shred of gratitude in her, one shred, but you don't. She's taking a page from your wife's book. Oh, that is fucking outrageous! Carmela asked you how many fucking times to come live with us? Well, he's gone. Nice work, ma. Carmela's been so sweet to you. I'm tired of this shit. Every fucking time. What? What are you doing? You're not gonna live with her. There's two tickets, first class. Go to Tucson, stay with aunt gemma. Take aunt quinn with you, the other fucking miserab'. I've done my part, that's all you get from me. My sister quintina won't fly. So, throw her out on the fucking tarmac!
You know what we take away, we deliver too to business.

Open 24 hours by you, just waiting on a call from you, waiting on a call from you, I'm in the yellow page, you just take a look

how are you? Alright. Oh, maddon'. Missed a great meal too. (Pussy) fantastic. Indian food. That envelope's just the first week. I love it. Patsy been in? He's looking for you. Where'd the fuck they get the fried zucchini flowers? It's fantastic. It's stuffed with melted dry riccoti. Yeah? Help yourself, you fat fuck. They good? Mmm. You too? Anybody else? How about you? Tell Arthur of the Ritz to send a couple of plates of zucchini flowers out. And some zuppa di mussels. You got it. So, telecommunications once again fails to disappoint. What's this thing? Telephone calling cards. You find a front man who can get a line of credit, you buy a couple of million units of calling time from a carrier. You become "acme telephone card company". "Acme". You're now in the business of selling prepaid calling cards. Immigrants especially, no offense. They're always calling back home to whoever the fuck. And it's expensive, right? You sell thousands of these cards to the greedy pricks, cards at a cut rate. But you bought the bulk time on credit, remember? The carrier gets stiffed. He cuts off the service to the card holders, but you already sold all your cards. That's fucking beautiful! (Laughing) it's a good one. Oh. Prince rogain. (Laughing) here you go, some zuppa di mussels, and Tony, you got the last dozen flowers. Do me a favor, put these on the menu for meadow's graduation party. Hey, those were some colleges she got into, your kid. Yeah, you must be very proud. Hey, holy cross. I mean, heather didn't exactly walk away with un gatz. Excuse me. I give carmela all the credit. Hey, you had something to do with it too. Cheers. Salute. Salute. Things are good, what the fuck? Richie Aprile's in the bermuda triangle. All my enemies are smoked. Oh, oh, oh! (Pussy) hey, patsy. What the fuck? Don't bring that in here. Wait outside in the car, I'll come out. What did I say? In the car.

You still up? The gifts for grad night. What's that? Oh, it's a vestimenta suit. Got a price. You know it looks fatter than a suit, right? I hate that when the air gets trapped inside the suit bag, you know, when you zip it up. Yeah. Don't you hate that? What? What do you want? Air in the bag. The only thing to do is unzip it a little, let the air out. Holy shit. My suit's growing a fucking beard. Oh, Tony, will you let me work here, please? Growing a beard or a mirkin or something. Ah! It's fucking alive! It's alive! Oh, my god! Oh, my god. Tony, what id you do? It's for you. Oh, my god. Yeah. We're having a good week. Ah, ah, ah, ah. You look beautiful, carm. Come here.

You believe this shit? Fucking june. My daughter's graduating in a week. Spring snow. Happened when my parents got married. Won't last. So, they here yet? Not yet. Ton'. I'm sorry. When they make the diagnosis? About a month ago. The wife and kids know? No. And there's nothing they can do for you? The various protocols to date are ineffective. What can I say? You have my sympathy. September 5th. That's how long they've given him to live. But instead of waiting until then, he's gonna light himself on fire. Yeah. Is that balls of concrete or what? Very considerate. How many guys are gonna do that for you, heh? Spare you all those fuckin' visits to the hospital. By the way, patsy, coat went over big. She loved it. I'm Philly. Sorry, right, Philly. Yeah. Thought you were your brother. You know, I just bought a sable off him. I'm sorry I had to do that. Fuck this. They're never coming. Where's pussy? Hey, ton'. What if these doctors are wrong?
Carm. What? Might as well just fucking kill myself. I've never been so fucking depressed. Tony. Sorry. It's alright, go back to bed. No, no, what? What now? It's all a big nothing. What is? Life. Tony, that is your mother talking. Everything's black. You have a tendency towards depression, yes. But listen to me, alright? Everything's gonna be alright. I'm here, I'm with you. The kids are safe in their beds. They love you. What? It's coming from here. It's not my fucking head. It's my stomach. I'm nauseous. Jesus. Fuck! Oh, fuck, it's the chicken vindaloo. Fucking motherfucking wogs! Mom, what's going on? Your father is sick. Oh, my god, daddy, what happened? He went to an indian restaurant. That is so racist. (Farting) who's letting those big ones? There better be coke left in that fridge is all I can say.

How did it go? Was sundip there? Yeah. My whole cut. Here. What's the matter? "What's the matter?" I know, I know, Tony's your best friend. President franklin is my best friend. And he's in there. Look... Some cooperators, when they finally get their new identity, do pretty fucking good. One snitch I worked with became recycling and garbage commissioner of a good sized city in florida.

You alright? Yeah, it's all out of there. Here. Here, small sips. Wondered about that chicken. Probably a fucking cocker spaniel. Oh, stop it, Tony, here, lie back. You feel a little hot. Fucking goddess with the six arms. No wonder. Here. Sip. I said sip, Tony. (Mumbling) what? I said, you still like your coat? I love my coat. (Mumbling) (snoring)

(male) where you going? I don't know. What are you looking for? Somebody's looking for me. Who? I don't know. Our true enemy has yet to reveal himself.
(Ducks quacking) three hearts. And a seven. Make it a dime.

(Carmela) Tony, are you up yet? How are you feeling?

I had fucked up dreams last night. Fever dreams. I shot this guy. He's a friend of mine. Now, in real life, this guy does do some things that annoy me. Like every christmas, he sends out these typed reports of what his nieces and nephews have been doing. Who got into west point, who got a hole in one. And he hums... Tv commercials. Drives me fucking crazy. But he's... One of my best guys, a terrific earner. So, what the fuck would I do that for? I was filled with-- anger. Yeah, right, anger, you know everything. You have never dealt with your anger. And look at the cost. You are the biggest threat to yourself. That's what being a human being is. But some people are more self-destructive than others. You're gonna make me eat something now? Maybe. If you keep this up. No.
(Loud vomiting and farting) I'm dying. I'm gonna cover you with this blanket, okay? I don't want you to see me like this. Please. I'm fucking freezing. Your teeth are chattering. You want to go back into the bed? Might as well just leave me here. Motherfucking fucking! I think you have food poisoning. Fucking dreams, jesus christ. It's alright. It's alright. Where is he? Who? Pussy. (Farting)

(doorbell) hey. What are you doing here? Finalize the menu. Oh, shit, completely forgot. Tony had food poisoning all night, the poor guy. Ooh, oh, hey, it's not from my place. Was he at vesuvio last night? Yeah. But I got an "a" rating. It's... Sure, of course, nobody's saying. Is that artie? Hey, ton'. Se him up! Tony, go to sleep. You don't even make any sense when you talk. Send him up! Oh, jeez, you picked up a bad one somewhere, huh? Somewhere? You know, maybe. Just out of consideration for others, you'd dump those fucking mussels you gave me before you cause a fucking outbreak. Whoa, Nellie. I hand pick every piece of shellfish myself. Oh, yeah? You smelling them as you're picking them or you're staring off into space? Worrying about paying your fucking rent or whatever it is you fucking worry about. That's a serious allegation. Nobody's gonna fucking sue you. You see, this is what I'm talking about. Tony, you ate mussels? Prince edward island. Top of the line. After an entire indian dinner? You ate at an indian restaurant? There you go. It was the mussels. They came up undigested. They came up undigested, how could they be the cause? It's why my body shut down, self protection. You know what they cook with at indian restaurants? Ghee. It's clarified butter. I mean, you get a rancid hit of that and... You can imagine. You know, it's interesting too 'cause when indira ghandi got assassinated, I was watching the satellite feed when they broadcast the cremation. Did you know that they douse the body and the funeral pyre in clarified butter just to get it burning? (Vomiting) did you call pussy? He had the mussels too. Jesus, artie, "call pussy", some concern maybe? I am, I feel very bad for him.

Sal. It's arthur bucco. What the fuck? Hello. Hey, man, it's artie. Yeah, I know, what's up? Listen, I'm at the soprano's house. And Tony's a little green around the gills. Flu, i'm guessing. But maybe he ate something didn't agree with him. Food poisoning? No, what, salmonella? No! But he had a reaction. You guys ate at an indian restaurant. It would help if we knew, did you have any symptoms? No. Well, once during the night, I did have a slight touch of diarrhea. That's all, it passed. Nothing. Touch of diarrhea. You motherfucker. A touch. Nothing right, puss? Not what like Tony's going through, right? Like from bad shellfish or anything. What the fuck? Am I gonna get sick now? No! Listen, did you guys eat the same thing at the indian restaurant? Well, we both had the papadums, but different courses. Both had the papadums, different entrees. Stop talking about food. Okay, puss. Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you. Okay, thanks a lot, okay. I'm sorry, Tony, but I feel vindicated. I can't get off the boardwalk. I'm gonna call dr. Cusamano. This is worrying me now. Poor sonofabitch. Oh, you gotta go again? Just let me die. No. C'mon. Ally oop. Up, up, up, up. So, where we headed? This way. (Coughing)

(male on loud speaker) ladies and gentlemen, in a few moments we'll begin general boarding on flight 129 with non-stop service to tucson. At this time, we'd like to begin boarding our first class passengers only. Those traveling with young children and those requiring special assistance. You can't understand a word they say. Go on. Livia soprano?

Oh, pussy. Oh. C'mon in. So... Who's your friend? Pussy? I'm confused. Isn't pussy your friend? Yeah. But that's the friend that was almost carried off by the ducks, right? You know what the worst part of this is? This is one of those situations where I know i'm dreaming. Well, let's look at it. When you say pussy you mean my friend, pussy, or you know... Pussy. Whatever seems to be dominating your thoughts. I got pussy on the brain. I always do. I wanna fuck you, I always did... Do. I told you that the first time we met. I find you immensely attractive, anthony. I thought I repulsed you. You go out of your way to repulse me. But you like that. You just admitted you find me attractive. You're the one that's fucked up. Anthony, anthony. What are we gonna do with you?
(Moaning) (artie) what's he smiling at? (Carmela) no, he's gritting his teeth, he's freezing. (Carmela) Tony. Hey, guy. Not feeling too good, huh? I'm dying. No, no, you got a small case of e. Coli, campylobacteria, maybe, but you're gonna be fine. Let me die. Should he maybe go to the hospital? Nothing we'd do. Pump his stomach? Not with this. He should suck ice chips. It's good for the fever, keeps him hydrated. Anyhoo... Fucking ragheads. I don't think so, Tony. Those spices kill microbial agents. Very smart. That fucking artie bucco. Meadow's graduation is tomorrow. Ah.

A millionaire and his wife, the movie star (humming Gilligan's island)

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Episode #26 Transcript Funhouse Captioned by HBO Communications Center, ©1999 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P. Page 1 Page 2 > >		Images are not thumbnails, so fuhgeddaboutit!
(livia) have some eggplant. I told you, I'm not hungry. Now you won't even accept food from your own mother. Will you please stick to the topic? Oh, sure, sure. You believe that uncle of yours. I never conspired with him. I wish somebody would tell me what you're talking about. Ask your brother. I'm here to get your living situation settled, now with janice gone. Barbara asked me to come here. Beyond that, I got nothing to say to you. Ma, you can't come live with us. I'm sorry, but tom won't allow it. Janice was right. I won't go back to that place. You got that right. They won't have you back at green grove. Tony! She was abusive to the staff! Maybe tom and I should just-- no, no, no, no. Don't listen to the manipulation. You got your own life! If you had a mother that had one shred of gratitude in her, one shred, but you don't. She's taking a page from your wife's book. Oh, that is fucking outrageous! Carmela asked you how many fucking times to come live with us? Well, he's gone. Nice work, ma. Carmela's been so sweet to you. I'm tired of this shit. Every fucking time. What? What are you doing? You're not gonna live with her. There's two tickets, first class. Go to Tucson, stay with aunt gemma. Take aunt quinn with you, the other fucking miserab'. I've done my part, that's all you get from me. My sister quintina won't fly. So, throw her out on the fucking tarmac! You know what we take away, we deliver too to business. Open 24 hours by you, just waiting on a call from you, waiting on a call from you, I'm in the yellow page, you just take a look
how are you? Alright. Oh, maddon'. Missed a great meal too. (Pussy) fantastic. Indian food. That envelope's just the first week. I love it. Patsy been in? He's looking for you. Where'd the fuck they get the fried zucchini flowers? It's fantastic. It's stuffed with melted dry riccoti. Yeah? Help yourself, you fat fuck. They good? Mmm. You too? Anybody else? How about you? Tell Arthur of the Ritz to send a couple of plates of zucchini flowers out. And some zuppa di mussels. You got it. So, telecommunications once again fails to disappoint. What's this thing? Telephone calling cards. You find a front man who can get a line of credit, you buy a couple of million units of calling time from a carrier. You become "acme telephone card company". "Acme". You're now in the business of selling prepaid calling cards. Immigrants especially, no offense. They're always calling back home to whoever the fuck. And it's expensive, right? You sell thousands of these cards to the greedy pricks, cards at a cut rate. But you bought the bulk time on credit, remember? The carrier gets stiffed. He cuts off the service to the card holders, but you already sold all your cards. That's fucking beautiful! (Laughing) it's a good one. Oh. Prince rogain. (Laughing) here you go, some zuppa di mussels, and Tony, you got the last dozen flowers. Do me a favor, put these on the menu for meadow's graduation party. Hey, those were some colleges she got into, your kid. Yeah, you must be very proud. Hey, holy cross. I mean, heather didn't exactly walk away with un gatz. Excuse me. I give carmela all the credit. Hey, you had something to do with it too. Cheers. Salute. Salute. Things are good, what the fuck? Richie Aprile's in the bermuda triangle. All my enemies are smoked. Oh, oh, oh! (Pussy) hey, patsy. What the fuck? Don't bring that in here. Wait outside in the car, I'll come out. What did I say? In the car.
You still up? The gifts for grad night. What's that? Oh, it's a vestimenta suit. Got a price. You know it looks fatter than a suit, right? I hate that when the air gets trapped inside the suit bag, you know, when you zip it up. Yeah. Don't you hate that? What? What do you want? Air in the bag. The only thing to do is unzip it a little, let the air out. Holy shit. My suit's growing a fucking beard. Oh, Tony, will you let me work here, please? Growing a beard or a mirkin or something. Ah! It's fucking alive! It's alive! Oh, my god! Oh, my god. Tony, what id you do? It's for you. Oh, my god. Yeah. We're having a good week. Ah, ah, ah, ah. You look beautiful, carm. Come here.
You believe this shit? Fucking june. My daughter's graduating in a week. Spring snow. Happened when my parents got married. Won't last. So, they here yet? Not yet. Ton'. I'm sorry. When they make the diagnosis? About a month ago. The wife and kids know? No. And there's nothing they can do for you? The various protocols to date are ineffective. What can I say? You have my sympathy. September 5th. That's how long they've given him to live. But instead of waiting until then, he's gonna light himself on fire. Yeah. Is that balls of concrete or what? Very considerate. How many guys are gonna do that for you, heh? Spare you all those fuckin' visits to the hospital. By the way, patsy, coat went over big. She loved it. I'm Philly. Sorry, right, Philly. Yeah. Thought you were your brother. You know, I just bought a sable off him. I'm sorry I had to do that. Fuck this. They're never coming. Where's pussy? Hey, ton'. What if these doctors are wrong? Carm. What? Might as well just fucking kill myself. I've never been so fucking depressed. Tony. Sorry. It's alright, go back to bed. No, no, what? What now? It's all a big nothing. What is? Life. Tony, that is your mother talking. Everything's black. You have a tendency towards depression, yes. But listen to me, alright? Everything's gonna be alright. I'm here, I'm with you. The kids are safe in their beds. They love you. What? It's coming from here. It's not my fucking head. It's my stomach. I'm nauseous. Jesus. Fuck! Oh, fuck, it's the chicken vindaloo. Fucking motherfucking wogs! Mom, what's going on? Your father is sick. Oh, my god, daddy, what happened? He went to an indian restaurant. That is so racist. (Farting) who's letting those big ones? There better be coke left in that fridge is all I can say.
How did it go? Was sundip there? Yeah. My whole cut. Here. What's the matter? "What's the matter?" I know, I know, Tony's your best friend. President franklin is my best friend. And he's in there. Look... Some cooperators, when they finally get their new identity, do pretty fucking good. One snitch I worked with became recycling and garbage commissioner of a good sized city in florida.
You alright? Yeah, it's all out of there. Here. Here, small sips. Wondered about that chicken. Probably a fucking cocker spaniel. Oh, stop it, Tony, here, lie back. You feel a little hot. Fucking goddess with the six arms. No wonder. Here. Sip. I said sip, Tony. (Mumbling) what? I said, you still like your coat? I love my coat. (Mumbling) (snoring)
(male) where you going? I don't know. What are you looking for? Somebody's looking for me. Who? I don't know. Our true enemy has yet to reveal himself. (Ducks quacking) three hearts. And a seven. Make it a dime. (Carmela) Tony, are you up yet? How are you feeling?
I had fucked up dreams last night. Fever dreams. I shot this guy. He's a friend of mine. Now, in real life, this guy does do some things that annoy me. Like every christmas, he sends out these typed reports of what his nieces and nephews have been doing. Who got into west point, who got a hole in one. And he hums... Tv commercials. Drives me fucking crazy. But he's... One of my best guys, a terrific earner. So, what the fuck would I do that for? I was filled with-- anger. Yeah, right, anger, you know everything. You have never dealt with your anger. And look at the cost. You are the biggest threat to yourself. That's what being a human being is. But some people are more self-destructive than others. You're gonna make me eat something now? Maybe. If you keep this up. No. (Loud vomiting and farting) I'm dying. I'm gonna cover you with this blanket, okay? I don't want you to see me like this. Please. I'm fucking freezing. Your teeth are chattering. You want to go back into the bed? Might as well just leave me here. Motherfucking fucking! I think you have food poisoning. Fucking dreams, jesus christ. It's alright. It's alright. Where is he? Who? Pussy. (Farting)
(doorbell) hey. What are you doing here? Finalize the menu. Oh, shit, completely forgot. Tony had food poisoning all night, the poor guy. Ooh, oh, hey, it's not from my place. Was he at vesuvio last night? Yeah. But I got an "a" rating. It's... Sure, of course, nobody's saying. Is that artie? Hey, ton'. Se him up! Tony, go to sleep. You don't even make any sense when you talk. Send him up! Oh, jeez, you picked up a bad one somewhere, huh? Somewhere? You know, maybe. Just out of consideration for others, you'd dump those fucking mussels you gave me before you cause a fucking outbreak. Whoa, Nellie. I hand pick every piece of shellfish myself. Oh, yeah? You smelling them as you're picking them or you're staring off into space? Worrying about paying your fucking rent or whatever it is you fucking worry about. That's a serious allegation. Nobody's gonna fucking sue you. You see, this is what I'm talking about. Tony, you ate mussels? Prince edward island. Top of the line. After an entire indian dinner? You ate at an indian restaurant? There you go. It was the mussels. They came up undigested. They came up undigested, how could they be the cause? It's why my body shut down, self protection. You know what they cook with at indian restaurants? Ghee. It's clarified butter. I mean, you get a rancid hit of that and... You can imagine. You know, it's interesting too 'cause when indira ghandi got assassinated, I was watching the satellite feed when they broadcast the cremation. Did you know that they douse the body and the funeral pyre in clarified butter just to get it burning? (Vomiting) did you call pussy? He had the mussels too. Jesus, artie, "call pussy", some concern maybe? I am, I feel very bad for him.
Sal. It's arthur bucco. What the fuck? Hello. Hey, man, it's artie. Yeah, I know, what's up? Listen, I'm at the soprano's house. And Tony's a little green around the gills. Flu, i'm guessing. But maybe he ate something didn't agree with him. Food poisoning? No, what, salmonella? No! But he had a reaction. You guys ate at an indian restaurant. It would help if we knew, did you have any symptoms? No. Well, once during the night, I did have a slight touch of diarrhea. That's all, it passed. Nothing. Touch of diarrhea. You motherfucker. A touch. Nothing right, puss? Not what like Tony's going through, right? Like from bad shellfish or anything. What the fuck? Am I gonna get sick now? No! Listen, did you guys eat the same thing at the indian restaurant? Well, we both had the papadums, but different courses. Both had the papadums, different entrees. Stop talking about food. Okay, puss. Yeah, I'm sorry to bother you. Okay, thanks a lot, okay. I'm sorry, Tony, but I feel vindicated. I can't get off the boardwalk. I'm gonna call dr. Cusamano. This is worrying me now. Poor sonofabitch. Oh, you gotta go again? Just let me die. No. C'mon. Ally oop. Up, up, up, up. So, where we headed? This way. (Coughing)
(male on loud speaker) ladies and gentlemen, in a few moments we'll begin general boarding on flight 129 with non-stop service to tucson. At this time, we'd like to begin boarding our first class passengers only. Those traveling with young children and those requiring special assistance. You can't understand a word they say. Go on. Livia soprano?
Oh, pussy. Oh. C'mon in. So... Who's your friend? Pussy? I'm confused. Isn't pussy your friend? Yeah. But that's the friend that was almost carried off by the ducks, right? You know what the worst part of this is? This is one of those situations where I know i'm dreaming. Well, let's look at it. When you say pussy you mean my friend, pussy, or you know... Pussy. Whatever seems to be dominating your thoughts. I got pussy on the brain. I always do. I wanna fuck you, I always did... Do. I told you that the first time we met. I find you immensely attractive, anthony. I thought I repulsed you. You go out of your way to repulse me. But you like that. You just admitted you find me attractive. You're the one that's fucked up. Anthony, anthony. What are we gonna do with you? (Moaning) (artie) what's he smiling at? (Carmela) no, he's gritting his teeth, he's freezing. (Carmela) Tony. Hey, guy. Not feeling too good, huh? I'm dying. No, no, you got a small case of e. Coli, campylobacteria, maybe, but you're gonna be fine. Let me die. Should he maybe go to the hospital? Nothing we'd do. Pump his stomach? Not with this. He should suck ice chips. It's good for the fever, keeps him hydrated. Anyhoo... Fucking ragheads. I don't think so, Tony. Those spices kill microbial agents. Very smart. That fucking artie bucco. Meadow's graduation is tomorrow. Ah. A millionaire and his wife, the movie star (humming Gilligan's island)
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