The Sopranos - Closed Captions - #16 - Toodle-fuckin-oo Page 2

Episode #16 Transcript
Toodle-fuckin-oo
Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©2000 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
< < Page 1 Page 2
Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

(Door slams) have you seen what she did?! Who? Meadow, that house is fucked! Thought you didn't swear. (Carmela) what are you talking about? I'm outraged, no, I am beyond outraged. Talk about disgrace. Disrespect for other people's property! That place looks like a freakin' shooting gallery! It smells of urine, there's puke all over the beautiful hardwood floors. It sounds like your apartment in Venice! (Carmela) don't worry about it, she's been punished. Oh, three weeks without a credit card? That's some heavy shit there! Janice! If that was my child-- you know what? Fuck this! You got a lot of fucking balls, you know that? Don't talk to me like that. Tony. No, let's clear the air here. You come ridin' into town like some vishnu-come-lately and try to play the concerned daughter, who the fuck are you kiddin'?! You're just here to pick the freaking bones. There's a lot I could say right now, that I am not gonna say. Lotta balls. Temper tantrums! He hasn't changed one iota since we lived in Newark. Not one iota! You are passing judgment on him, janice, on us, as parents. I told you once already. How we discipline our children is none of anybody's business. You let that girl ride rough shot over you, some day you're gonna regret it. Mother of god, janice! Are all of you sopranos the same? I asked you nicely to stay out of it, but, you're pretending you don't hear me. Well, maybe you're gonna hear this. Mind your fucking business, keep your mouth shut when it comes to my kids, alright?! Maybe I've stayed here too long.

The fall in the shower didn't in any way affect the pre-existing condition in your heart. But you already knew that. It never hurts to be sure. Fucking bum hip. What next, does the man upstairs have in store for me? You're lucky it was sprained, not broken. The thing is, doc, I've been feeling these... Little fibrillations. Psychosomatic. You got out of jail on a medical. It's the mind-body connection. Your body's just pitching in to help. (Knocking) hey, there's my boy. I was afraid you didn't get the message. Put a shirt on, I'm getting a chubby. Doc, this is one of my dearest friends. Richie, say hello to the best fuckin' heart man in the world, Doug Schreck. I think Mr. Soprano oversold me. I'm only the best in the western world. Fuckin' ball-breaker. Doc, do me a favor, me and richie... Yeah, no problem. He's a good kid. Lets me use the doctor/patient thing to meet people here. Fucking house arrest. Federal marshalls are so far up my ass, I can taste Brylcreem. Jesus, you look good. How you feeling? Better than some, not as bad as others. I got to meet Tony at a mall, you here. What the fuck is happening? Like the man said, may you live in interesting times. You met with Tony? It's more like a fucking audience with the pope. What are you gonna do? Whatever you tell me. You and your brother were always good boys. You tell me, this is the way it is, then so be it. You tell me otherwise, I'm yours, junior, whatever, whoever. You just say it.

Once again, a big welcome home to our guest of honor. Richie was surprised all the changes the last ten years. New Jersey with its own hockey team. You know, it's interesting. The Meadowlands is the only NHL arena where the penalty box is maximum security! Maximum security penalty box, help me. What the fuck?! I was talking to Paulie walnuts, who was under the impression that Richie had been in Bosnia, where there's also a large moose-lim population! Get this fucking guy outta here. And, now for all you youngsters with visions of tit-fucking in your heads, here are the bing girls, come on!

(Applause) welcome home. Wait'll you open it, it's all ones. I'm a grandfather now, rich. Imagine that. Please, no pictures. Exploitin' medical curiosities is against the law. Is that why they canceled your mother's audition? What did you say? Cocksucker! Take a walk. Is beansie here? I haven't seen him. Richie, how's your balls? They're hanging. Ready and waiting. What? (Tony) go with Silvio. Who? Go! I'll hold this. Don't worry about it. Come on. (Silvio) trust me. He's got a real fucking attitude problem. Careful. Enough. He just did ten fucking years. He's got a right to be a little fucked up. No? Richie'll be alright. (Moaning) yeah, yeah. I see you like the dark. Yeah, something like that, yeah. Silvio says we can't take it. Who's joint did you just cop, mine or his? Did we do something wrong? No, you were fine. Now, go 'head, get outta here. (Applause)

(richie) hey, buddy. (Beansie) what the fuck are you doing? What did you think Tony soprano was gonna do for you, huh? You know, you got a raging hard-on for me, and, I don't even know what for. You don't? Come here, come here! No. Come here, come here! How come you weren't at the party?! Hey, I moved a lotta "h" for you and your brother. And you guys made the lion's share. You're just bitter because I invested my money smart, and you spread yours however the fuck you did. I spent mine on lawyers, you slippery fuck. You wanna talk like a tough guy? Tough guy, here! Hey, come on, please, no guns, come on. Please? What happened to that greaseball store owner? Tell me again how you won't lay down, huh? (Horn honking)

(loud music) janice. Oh, sorry, is the music too loud? Oh, no, it's fine. Umm, I just wanted to apologize. You know, about earlier. No, I should be apologizing to you. I was out of line, you're right. I never raised a child. I was robbed of that when Eugene took him back to Montreal. I'm still petitioning the state department, but, I think they have me on their enemy radicals list. When was the last time you saw Harpo? He changed his name to Hal. I'm sorry, 'carm, can we not talk about him? Look, I just want you to know that I was way out of line. Well, I'm sorry, too, really, I feel terrible. You know, you're family. And family means a lot. I just don't feel right about you leaving here. I don't know. I don't think Tony wants me here. Well, where you gonna go? The house is in no condition to move into. Especially now. I'll be alright. No, I'm sorry, I can't let you leave. Really, I want you to stay. Okay, thanks. Okay. Goodnight. Goodnight. Oh, maybe just a little bit, the music. Right.

(Honking) Jesus, no, richie, no! Jesus!

Scrub no, no, no scrub, no, no I don't want no scrub, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me, hanging out the passenger side, of his best friend's ride... Should I put the chocolate in now? Put it in, I'll pour the milk. What did you parents finally say about last Saturday? The usual, nothing. They're afraid I'll go bulimic again. Mine, blah, blah, blah. Start purging, they won't say anything. When are they gonna realize that we're practically adults, responsible for ourselves? So, your grandmother's house got used for a party. Excuse me, would they prefer we go to limelight?! It's 'cause they have no life. They focus on bullshit. So, what'd yours do? They took away my discover card for three weeks. Oh, that's nothing. I know, it was my idea. So hypocritical, too. When you think how my dad makes a living.

Oh, sheez, what is this? Why don't you ring for the nurse? Never you mind. That's their job. I don't need them. My daughter came all the way from Seattle. (TV blaring) oh, Jesus! (Knocking) hello. (Female) she rang for you. I did not. Mrs. Soprano. Who are you? Richie... Richie Aprile. But, I thought you were dead. No, that was my brother jackie. Oh, I'm sorry. How did he die, the poor baby. He had cancer. (Female) me, too. Oh, shut that curtain, will you? You know, I was in a private room. My Johnny would roll over in his grave if he saw this. They wheel people in and out, in and out. Oh, go on. So, isn't parvati supposed to be here? I don't know who that is. Your daughter, parvati, janice. Oh, please, don't start with that name business. She did it to shame me. (Janice) you'll have to have your tea without lemon. Richie. You see the beautiful flowers he brought me? Your father has friends with class. Not like some people. Ma, he's not one of dad's friends, he's my friend. He's your boyfriend? (Richie) don't you remember me? You used to yell at me for beeping my car horn when I came over to pick up janice? Pimps beep. You know, some day, somebody is gonna wash out your mouth with soap. Oh, yeah, who, you? Oh, I wish the lord would take me. Ooh, ma, statazeet, the man's come to visit you. Take it easy. Is that how you talk to your mother? Well, you lay the same trip on everybody who comes in here. Don't you have any shame? Shame, I got plenty of shame. Believe me. You don't want to hear what I'm ashamed of. Go ahead, ma, shoot your best shot. Never you mind. Just remember what we talked about last week. Ma, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria for coffee. Are you coming back? Yes. I bet you're very good to your mother. She'll be better when I get her home. Does that mean you're sticking around jersey? If I don't, who's gonna take care of her? What about Tony? Long story. You haven't heard what happened? Anthony's one of these people who blames everyone else for anything bad in his life, including his mother. Tony, nah. Trust me, nothing's ever his fault. So, what's with the flowers, Mr. Candy stripe? Well, I couldn't come visit her empty handed. Oh. You weren't in yoga. I'm very busy with my mother. Too busy for dinner? You and I weren't good for each other 20 years ago. What makes you think it's gonna be different now? That's gettin' to the point. Richie, after all I put in to getting to where I am, it'd be ridiculous to decompensate now. I'm so not that person anymore. It works both ways. I don't think I'd be interested in the same Jan I knew. So, what, you've grown? Well, you tell me. Did you ever think you'd see richie aprile doing a "downward facing dog"?

Can she put anymore gook shit in here? It's not that much. Soy milk this, tofu that. I hate all that shit. (A.J.) Yeah, me too. (Meadow) shut up, you said you like the soy milk. I lied, she was taking me to the video store. I'm happy aunt parvati's gonna stay. Oh, your aunt who doesn't think you get punished enough? That party wasn't my fault, how many fucking times do I have to say it?! Hey! Oh! Don't look like you're gonna cry. You made your bed. I need 15 dollars. (Carmela) excuse me? A Cole porter CD, it's for madrigals. We're doing three of the songs. You took my card, remember? Here. What's your problem? Nothing. Thank you, by the way. Janice should be home by now. My sister was halfway out the door. You had to fall for her con? What was she gonna do? Live in a motel which she can't afford? How about she goes back to wherever it was she was hiding for twenty years while I took care of her mother. I thought we weren't supposed to mention grandma in this house. (Carmela) fine, I'm not gonna argue with you, Tony. If want her to leave, you're gonna have to tell her, 'cause I'm not. It's not Christian. See, the shit works out, she's a Buddhist. (Janice) hello?! We're in here, par'. I thought it was cruel to pick flowers. Richie brought 'em to ma. They're beautiful. Aren't they? Richie? Richie Aprile? Yeah, he went to visit her. You know he always loved ma. I gotta go. You better water 'em, I think I hear 'em crying.

(Breathing heavily) (wizard of oz music playing) (truck horn honking) (crashing sounds)

(female sobbing) Jesus Christ! Peter, you're scaring your mother. Leave me the fuck alone. Hey, is that anyway to talk? Tony? Can you pick up the BBC on that thing, or what? No jokes, please, Tony. (Nurse) only family! Let him stay. How you doing, pal? You said he wasn't gonna bother me, Tony. Jesus. They said I might not walk. (Female) come on, ma, let's go downstairs for a little while. You gonna let that animal get away with this?! I'll let you talk to your friend. Listen, beans, do me a favor. Don't listen to these fuckin' doctors. When it comes to spinal injuries, everything's a mystery to them. Paul has this cousin, got run over by a forklift, broke his back, the guy's dancing tango competitions. (Sobbing) alright, here. Here. I can't do it. Ah, ah... Come on. Thanks. Thanks, Tony. I might not be able to wipe my own ass, you know that? Your nose is as far as I'm willing to go. (Laughing) listen, beans. You a thousand percent sure it was richie aprile driving that car? A thousand percent? No, a fuckin' million percent. Let me tell you something, Tony. He's lucky I ain't no rat fuck. 'Cause the law knows that was no random hit and run. Hey, don't start talking foolish. We're old school, right? We wash our own dirty laundry. Hey, am I right, beans? Yeah, yeah, old school. Okay, good. So, you here to see your ma? I hear she's upstairs. No, I came to see you, you prick. That's okay. Go do what you gotta do.

I thought I told you to back the fuck off beansie. I did, then I put it in drive. Oh, you think this is funny? That guy might never walk again. Did you know that? And for what? Because he didn't duke you enough? Because he didn't visit you in the can? When's the last time you visited anybody in the can? When was the last time you gave a fuck about anybody but richie aprile? Now, you remember one thing, and this you better hear. You wanna talk all this old school bullshit about the rules? Well, here's a rule you might remember. I'm the motherfuckin' fuckin' one who calls the shots. And you better pay me the respect that I gave your brother, or we're gonna have a problem. A bad one. Now, get the fuck out of here! Alright, Tony. Yeah, alright.

How you doin'? I'll open it up but you change all the locks. Okay. (Coughing)

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Episode #16 Transcript Toodle-fuckin-oo Captioned by HBO Communications Center, ©2000 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P. < < Page 1 Page 2		Images are not thumbnails, so fuhgeddaboutit!
(Door slams) have you seen what she did?! Who? Meadow, that house is fucked! Thought you didn't swear. (Carmela) what are you talking about? I'm outraged, no, I am beyond outraged. Talk about disgrace. Disrespect for other people's property! That place looks like a freakin' shooting gallery! It smells of urine, there's puke all over the beautiful hardwood floors. It sounds like your apartment in Venice! (Carmela) don't worry about it, she's been punished. Oh, three weeks without a credit card? That's some heavy shit there! Janice! If that was my child-- you know what? Fuck this! You got a lot of fucking balls, you know that? Don't talk to me like that. Tony. No, let's clear the air here. You come ridin' into town like some vishnu-come-lately and try to play the concerned daughter, who the fuck are you kiddin'?! You're just here to pick the freaking bones. There's a lot I could say right now, that I am not gonna say. Lotta balls. Temper tantrums! He hasn't changed one iota since we lived in Newark. Not one iota! You are passing judgment on him, janice, on us, as parents. I told you once already. How we discipline our children is none of anybody's business. You let that girl ride rough shot over you, some day you're gonna regret it. Mother of god, janice! Are all of you sopranos the same? I asked you nicely to stay out of it, but, you're pretending you don't hear me. Well, maybe you're gonna hear this. Mind your fucking business, keep your mouth shut when it comes to my kids, alright?! Maybe I've stayed here too long.
The fall in the shower didn't in any way affect the pre-existing condition in your heart. But you already knew that. It never hurts to be sure. Fucking bum hip. What next, does the man upstairs have in store for me? You're lucky it was sprained, not broken. The thing is, doc, I've been feeling these... Little fibrillations. Psychosomatic. You got out of jail on a medical. It's the mind-body connection. Your body's just pitching in to help. (Knocking) hey, there's my boy. I was afraid you didn't get the message. Put a shirt on, I'm getting a chubby. Doc, this is one of my dearest friends. Richie, say hello to the best fuckin' heart man in the world, Doug Schreck. I think Mr. Soprano oversold me. I'm only the best in the western world. Fuckin' ball-breaker. Doc, do me a favor, me and richie... Yeah, no problem. He's a good kid. Lets me use the doctor/patient thing to meet people here. Fucking house arrest. Federal marshalls are so far up my ass, I can taste Brylcreem. Jesus, you look good. How you feeling? Better than some, not as bad as others. I got to meet Tony at a mall, you here. What the fuck is happening? Like the man said, may you live in interesting times. You met with Tony? It's more like a fucking audience with the pope. What are you gonna do? Whatever you tell me. You and your brother were always good boys. You tell me, this is the way it is, then so be it. You tell me otherwise, I'm yours, junior, whatever, whoever. You just say it.
Once again, a big welcome home to our guest of honor. Richie was surprised all the changes the last ten years. New Jersey with its own hockey team. You know, it's interesting. The Meadowlands is the only NHL arena where the penalty box is maximum security! Maximum security penalty box, help me. What the fuck?! I was talking to Paulie walnuts, who was under the impression that Richie had been in Bosnia, where there's also a large moose-lim population! Get this fucking guy outta here. And, now for all you youngsters with visions of tit-fucking in your heads, here are the bing girls, come on!
(Applause) welcome home. Wait'll you open it, it's all ones. I'm a grandfather now, rich. Imagine that. Please, no pictures. Exploitin' medical curiosities is against the law. Is that why they canceled your mother's audition? What did you say? Cocksucker! Take a walk. Is beansie here? I haven't seen him. Richie, how's your balls? They're hanging. Ready and waiting. What? (Tony) go with Silvio. Who? Go! I'll hold this. Don't worry about it. Come on. (Silvio) trust me. He's got a real fucking attitude problem. Careful. Enough. He just did ten fucking years. He's got a right to be a little fucked up. No? Richie'll be alright. (Moaning) yeah, yeah. I see you like the dark. Yeah, something like that, yeah. Silvio says we can't take it. Who's joint did you just cop, mine or his? Did we do something wrong? No, you were fine. Now, go 'head, get outta here. (Applause)
(richie) hey, buddy. (Beansie) what the fuck are you doing? What did you think Tony soprano was gonna do for you, huh? You know, you got a raging hard-on for me, and, I don't even know what for. You don't? Come here, come here! No. Come here, come here! How come you weren't at the party?! Hey, I moved a lotta "h" for you and your brother. And you guys made the lion's share. You're just bitter because I invested my money smart, and you spread yours however the fuck you did. I spent mine on lawyers, you slippery fuck. You wanna talk like a tough guy? Tough guy, here! Hey, come on, please, no guns, come on. Please? What happened to that greaseball store owner? Tell me again how you won't lay down, huh? (Horn honking)
(loud music) janice. Oh, sorry, is the music too loud? Oh, no, it's fine. Umm, I just wanted to apologize. You know, about earlier. No, I should be apologizing to you. I was out of line, you're right. I never raised a child. I was robbed of that when Eugene took him back to Montreal. I'm still petitioning the state department, but, I think they have me on their enemy radicals list. When was the last time you saw Harpo? He changed his name to Hal. I'm sorry, 'carm, can we not talk about him? Look, I just want you to know that I was way out of line. Well, I'm sorry, too, really, I feel terrible. You know, you're family. And family means a lot. I just don't feel right about you leaving here. I don't know. I don't think Tony wants me here. Well, where you gonna go? The house is in no condition to move into. Especially now. I'll be alright. No, I'm sorry, I can't let you leave. Really, I want you to stay. Okay, thanks. Okay. Goodnight. Goodnight. Oh, maybe just a little bit, the music. Right.
(Honking) Jesus, no, richie, no! Jesus!
Scrub no, no, no scrub, no, no I don't want no scrub, a scrub is a guy that can't get no love from me, hanging out the passenger side, of his best friend's ride... Should I put the chocolate in now? Put it in, I'll pour the milk. What did you parents finally say about last Saturday? The usual, nothing. They're afraid I'll go bulimic again. Mine, blah, blah, blah. Start purging, they won't say anything. When are they gonna realize that we're practically adults, responsible for ourselves? So, your grandmother's house got used for a party. Excuse me, would they prefer we go to limelight?! It's 'cause they have no life. They focus on bullshit. So, what'd yours do? They took away my discover card for three weeks. Oh, that's nothing. I know, it was my idea. So hypocritical, too. When you think how my dad makes a living.
Oh, sheez, what is this? Why don't you ring for the nurse? Never you mind. That's their job. I don't need them. My daughter came all the way from Seattle. (TV blaring) oh, Jesus! (Knocking) hello. (Female) she rang for you. I did not. Mrs. Soprano. Who are you? Richie... Richie Aprile. But, I thought you were dead. No, that was my brother jackie. Oh, I'm sorry. How did he die, the poor baby. He had cancer. (Female) me, too. Oh, shut that curtain, will you? You know, I was in a private room. My Johnny would roll over in his grave if he saw this. They wheel people in and out, in and out. Oh, go on. So, isn't parvati supposed to be here? I don't know who that is. Your daughter, parvati, janice. Oh, please, don't start with that name business. She did it to shame me. (Janice) you'll have to have your tea without lemon. Richie. You see the beautiful flowers he brought me? Your father has friends with class. Not like some people. Ma, he's not one of dad's friends, he's my friend. He's your boyfriend? (Richie) don't you remember me? You used to yell at me for beeping my car horn when I came over to pick up janice? Pimps beep. You know, some day, somebody is gonna wash out your mouth with soap. Oh, yeah, who, you? Oh, I wish the lord would take me. Ooh, ma, statazeet, the man's come to visit you. Take it easy. Is that how you talk to your mother? Well, you lay the same trip on everybody who comes in here. Don't you have any shame? Shame, I got plenty of shame. Believe me. You don't want to hear what I'm ashamed of. Go ahead, ma, shoot your best shot. Never you mind. Just remember what we talked about last week. Ma, I'm gonna go to the cafeteria for coffee. Are you coming back? Yes. I bet you're very good to your mother. She'll be better when I get her home. Does that mean you're sticking around jersey? If I don't, who's gonna take care of her? What about Tony? Long story. You haven't heard what happened? Anthony's one of these people who blames everyone else for anything bad in his life, including his mother. Tony, nah. Trust me, nothing's ever his fault. So, what's with the flowers, Mr. Candy stripe? Well, I couldn't come visit her empty handed. Oh. You weren't in yoga. I'm very busy with my mother. Too busy for dinner? You and I weren't good for each other 20 years ago. What makes you think it's gonna be different now? That's gettin' to the point. Richie, after all I put in to getting to where I am, it'd be ridiculous to decompensate now. I'm so not that person anymore. It works both ways. I don't think I'd be interested in the same Jan I knew. So, what, you've grown? Well, you tell me. Did you ever think you'd see richie aprile doing a "downward facing dog"?
Can she put anymore gook shit in here? It's not that much. Soy milk this, tofu that. I hate all that shit. (A.J.) Yeah, me too. (Meadow) shut up, you said you like the soy milk. I lied, she was taking me to the video store. I'm happy aunt parvati's gonna stay. Oh, your aunt who doesn't think you get punished enough? That party wasn't my fault, how many fucking times do I have to say it?! Hey! Oh! Don't look like you're gonna cry. You made your bed. I need 15 dollars. (Carmela) excuse me? A Cole porter CD, it's for madrigals. We're doing three of the songs. You took my card, remember? Here. What's your problem? Nothing. Thank you, by the way. Janice should be home by now. My sister was halfway out the door. You had to fall for her con? What was she gonna do? Live in a motel which she can't afford? How about she goes back to wherever it was she was hiding for twenty years while I took care of her mother. I thought we weren't supposed to mention grandma in this house. (Carmela) fine, I'm not gonna argue with you, Tony. If want her to leave, you're gonna have to tell her, 'cause I'm not. It's not Christian. See, the shit works out, she's a Buddhist. (Janice) hello?! We're in here, par'. I thought it was cruel to pick flowers. Richie brought 'em to ma. They're beautiful. Aren't they? Richie? Richie Aprile? Yeah, he went to visit her. You know he always loved ma. I gotta go. You better water 'em, I think I hear 'em crying.
(Breathing heavily) (wizard of oz music playing) (truck horn honking) (crashing sounds)
(female sobbing) Jesus Christ! Peter, you're scaring your mother. Leave me the fuck alone. Hey, is that anyway to talk? Tony? Can you pick up the BBC on that thing, or what? No jokes, please, Tony. (Nurse) only family! Let him stay. How you doing, pal? You said he wasn't gonna bother me, Tony. Jesus. They said I might not walk. (Female) come on, ma, let's go downstairs for a little while. You gonna let that animal get away with this?! I'll let you talk to your friend. Listen, beans, do me a favor. Don't listen to these fuckin' doctors. When it comes to spinal injuries, everything's a mystery to them. Paul has this cousin, got run over by a forklift, broke his back, the guy's dancing tango competitions. (Sobbing) alright, here. Here. I can't do it. Ah, ah... Come on. Thanks. Thanks, Tony. I might not be able to wipe my own ass, you know that? Your nose is as far as I'm willing to go. (Laughing) listen, beans. You a thousand percent sure it was richie aprile driving that car? A thousand percent? No, a fuckin' million percent. Let me tell you something, Tony. He's lucky I ain't no rat fuck. 'Cause the law knows that was no random hit and run. Hey, don't start talking foolish. We're old school, right? We wash our own dirty laundry. Hey, am I right, beans? Yeah, yeah, old school. Okay, good. So, you here to see your ma? I hear she's upstairs. No, I came to see you, you prick. That's okay. Go do what you gotta do.
I thought I told you to back the fuck off beansie. I did, then I put it in drive. Oh, you think this is funny? That guy might never walk again. Did you know that? And for what? Because he didn't duke you enough? Because he didn't visit you in the can? When's the last time you visited anybody in the can? When was the last time you gave a fuck about anybody but richie aprile? Now, you remember one thing, and this you better hear. You wanna talk all this old school bullshit about the rules? Well, here's a rule you might remember. I'm the motherfuckin' fuckin' one who calls the shots. And you better pay me the respect that I gave your brother, or we're gonna have a problem. A bad one. Now, get the fuck out of here! Alright, Tony. Yeah, alright.
How you doin'? I'll open it up but you change all the locks. Okay. (Coughing)
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