The Sopranos - Closed Captions - #14 - Guy Walks into A Psychiatrist's Office

Episode #14 Transcript
Guy Walks into
A Psychiatrist's Office
Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©2000 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
< < Page 1 Page 2
Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

(Broker) I can't show it in this condition. What the hell is this? There's a high school up the street. A sink was left on upstairs. You don't even wanna see the toilets. (Phone) excuse me. Wait until i catch the kids who did this. Break a few windows, they think they're Johnny bad-ass the fuckin' jackals. (Carmela) will you stop, please? Your sister Barbara and the kids are coming down. You better not be in this mood. And I need you to pick up sausage. Yeah, yeah, how many pounds? Hot or sweet? Don't you act like it's a chore. This party was your idea. You said you were happy Janice was home. And my parents are coming. Oh, really? What, now that the dragon lady's gone, they'll step foot in our house? She said some horrible things to them over the years. I'm not defending her, she's dead to me. I'm telling you, you mope your way through this, I will cut your throat. What are you talking about, mope? I've been in a great mood lately. Right. I think you need to start therapy again. You're self medicating, we haven't had sex in-- forget it, no therapy. You really should take a look at what they did to your mother's bedroom.

They're rookies, they're young guys, they're not used to this kinda of stress, so, they get impulsive... He better not say one fuckin' word. ... You got my word on that. I appreciate it, Chris, thank you. Come on in. Hey, Chris, brought you a little 'cap. Thanks. Sit down. Refresh my memory about this play we're making on Webistics. We own 400,000 shares. The trade on the bulletin board, otc. If we cold call enough senior citizens, pump and dump. Yeah, listen, you guys ain't spent much time in the NFL, let's face it. What the fuck you talkin' about? Two years with Eddie stakes. Besides, waxing eddies car. When he did the job in Canada-- then you know when you're bleedin' a guy, you don't squeeze him dry right away. Contrarily, you let him do his bidding, suavely. So, you can bleed him next week and the week after, at a minimum. You mean, we don't need one of these guys getting pissed and running to the FCC. I mean, is that what you're saying? Break it down. Sorry, Chris. Webistics is at 80, when are we dumping the stock? You'll know that when you need to know that. Excellent. This is cold, by the way. Guys... Anymore Porsches disappear, make it two towns over, and I want a taste. You're the man.

Grandma's gonna be so happy to see you. (Meadow) grandma, it's me. (Olivia) look who's here. Ma, I'm going downstairs. You spend the whole day on that elevator. Grandma, you've gotta eat. Let me die. Don't say that. I saw a light, there were voices calling out to me. Grandma, what went on between you and dad? Mom won't tell me anything. What, why, what did he say? Nothing, he won't mention you at all. Oh, that one. He blames me for everything. I know, me too. At night, they hit us. Why can't this family just get along? Some people don't wanna. But you, you listen to him. You do what he says. He's your father. I won't let them leave you here like this. They can't stop me from seeing you. Meadow, meadow, take that. In the drawer. In the drawer, take it. Oh, my god. This was your grandmother's wasn't it? It's so you won't forget me.

(music) We all came out to Montreux on the lake Geneva shoreline to make records with a mobile we didn't have much time frank zapp... (Cd skipping) come on, motherfuck! Motherfuck...! (Cd morphing) ... Fuck... ... Zappa and the mothers were at the best place around some stupid with...

I told my family I got broad sided, but, I passed out behind the wheel. See, my mother and me, we had a fallin' out. And, since then, things have been good. Clean break. What kind of falling out? One of those unfortunate situations. A lot of screaming. Profanity. Anyway, things were good. And then my sister came back. It's good to see her, I guess. Cues from childhood kick in, older sister. That should be obvious enough. Yeah, but those feelings are starting to bleed into my business. What sort of business are you in? Commercial waste. Mr. Spears, I watch the news, like everyone else. I know who you are, and I saw "analyze this". I don't need the ramifications that could arise from treating someone like yourself. "Analyze this"? Come on, it's a fuckin' comedy. I'm not taking new patients right now.

Oh, my baby sister! Oh, you look great. Who is this little guy? (Husband) traffic was terrible. (Tony) keep it down out there, you'll scare the neighbors. (Janice screaming) fuck! Carm, tony says the fire's almost ready. (Carmela) great, par', I'll be out in a second. Parvati, she's a cheese now? It's a Hindu goddess. Nice for her. She still answers to Janice, ma, if it makes you more comfortable. Hugo, go to the market, pick up a couple of cans of pears. Canned pears, not fresh. That's the secret to my pound cake. Get some basinigol' while you're there. The pears, you want the dole? I'm not even gonna answer this time. There is a new market, dad, down on pompton pike. A lot of changes since you've been here. With that "mommy dearest" around never again, I swore it. Which is exactly what she wanted. You played right into her hands with that. Remember what she said to you at your wedding? She said it was a mistake, tony would get bored with you.

Hey, take it easy! (Chattering) I love seeing them like that, over a fire. They're better over a spit. Who's Anthony look like to you, right now? Dad. We stopped in to see ma on the way over. How do you think she is? Mom, a little weak, but, she's all there. Some family reunion. The woman who bore them all is barred from the premises. I don't think you should get too close, Janice, look what she tried to do to tony. I have no fantasies about my mother. You know, he's trying to sell the house? What house? Ma's house. See, that's what I'm talking about. Don't get involved, let tony handle it. I only called you 'cause you're far away. I thought you would wanna know if your mother was ill. $180,000 he's asking for that place. Like he needs that. Well, I'm glad someone's taking charge. You'll get your cut. Ma's not dead yet, and there's no will. What? I mean, ma still has rights. Tony pays for the retirement home, the upkeep on her car. Hey, Parvati, take it easy. According to you, that coulda been Robert mitchum. Jesus Christ, fuckin' Paulie Gaultieri. Isn't he dead yet?

You're not gonna stay for dessert? We got Ben and Jerry's, we got a pear groupie cake my mother made. Yeah, I know, but my friends are havin' this gallery opening in chelsea. I'm tryin' to get them to finance my video. I'll leave some cake out for you. Hey, I'm sorry. Hey. What's up?

What the fuck? I'm sure there's an explanation. There is, there is. Take ma back to Seattle. She came here for the house, and a $400 car. That was the con from the first. That's the level she works at. Maybe the sign was broken. Maybe it fell down. I'm still a little fat kid to her. What does she think? She's gonna stop the house sale by picking up one fuckin' sign?! If she were here I'd be bouncing her head against the wall! Look at yourself, tony. Look at how angry you are! What do you care about that house? It's not gonna stop with the house. The $300 pillow which we're gonna pay for. The video equipment, which you already heard her talkin' about. When are you getting back into therapy? Don't start with that. I'm not fuckin' insane, and I'm not overreactin', 'cause you don't know this wretched little...! Alright, alright, this is getting you no place. Go outside, join the party. Be with your friends, have some pleasure. Go ahead. Fuckin' bitch. Tony, go ahead, go have a beer.

What the fuck are you doing? Second seatin' coming up. Fuckin' moron. Look at my wife over there. No wait, ton', the neighbor's St.. Bernard is on your property. You're a fuckin' moron. (Silvio) anyway, we flew first class... What service, forget about it. (Paulie) since when do you get frequent flier upgrades? The only time you ever took a trip was with that rockette that you claimed you were fuckin', and then she put LSD in your drink. Where'd you get the tickets? The Cuban? (Hesh) I always thought there was some way to divert frequent flier mileage on a grand scale. (Paulie) to do that, you gotta break into the airline's main computer. What do they call it, crackin'? Hackin'. Shelley hack, remember her? (Chattering) (voices becoming blurred) there's a fragrance that comes your way... they call it, Charlie

you didn't like it? Fuck off. So, when do we get to roll with tony? What? What, are you trippin'? We gotta work our way up, get introduced. You must be deep, hangin' out with him. Who? Mr. T, you's cap motherfuckers together? Nah, he's too big for that. He doesn't get his nails dirty. You tell him, we don't mind that shit. We'll do anything. Wet work, pick up his shirts. Does tony ever talk about us? No. You gonna drink or just sit there? Sit. What the fuck is the matter with you?! What's the matter? You leave my gas burner on? I almost lit a cigarette, I could have died. I apologized. Why you can't use a lighter to cook your shit like normal people is beyond me. When everything was finally going good between us-- shut up about that! Why, they're still gonna kiss your ass. They don't care if you're a junkie. Sit down! I hate you, fuckin' pig, get off me. You fuckin' whore. Fuck you! That's it, go home, get my dinner ready!

Don't yell, don't scream. All cutlery stays right where it is. How's the bagels in this place? Come on, you don't answer my calls, I got no choice. Walking away is a choice. Ruining my practice, it's a choice. You got your office back, no harm done. One of my patients committed suicide because I wasn't available to her. You know what that means to me? She can't eat bagels, she can't call in sick because she's feeling blue, she's gone. She's in the ground, because of you. I don't deserve your help. I hate your fuckin' system, I told you. Fuck you. But, i got a family, and believe it or not, they're better off with me than without me. I don't know what else to do. I drove off the road a couple days back. You look fine. The air bag. You always told me if I was drivin'-- that was a different time for us. Alright, I don't blame you. Maybe you can recommend somebody else? I would never ask another colleague to get involved in this. How many more people have to die for your personal growth? Look at me. I swear, to Jesus Christ, nobody got killed because of you. Get out of my life.

Hey. What are you doing home at this hour? Nothing. I thought it was A.J., Home from school. Yeah. You alright? Yeah. Want a little cold past'? I can microwave it. Looks good. You want cheese? Something to drink? No. Sit down.

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Episode #14 Transcript Guy Walks into A Psychiatrist's Office Captioned by HBO Communications Center, ©2000 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P. < < Page 1 Page 2		Images are not thumbnails, so fuhgeddaboutit!
(Broker) I can't show it in this condition. What the hell is this? There's a high school up the street. A sink was left on upstairs. You don't even wanna see the toilets. (Phone) excuse me. Wait until i catch the kids who did this. Break a few windows, they think they're Johnny bad-ass the fuckin' jackals. (Carmela) will you stop, please? Your sister Barbara and the kids are coming down. You better not be in this mood. And I need you to pick up sausage. Yeah, yeah, how many pounds? Hot or sweet? Don't you act like it's a chore. This party was your idea. You said you were happy Janice was home. And my parents are coming. Oh, really? What, now that the dragon lady's gone, they'll step foot in our house? She said some horrible things to them over the years. I'm not defending her, she's dead to me. I'm telling you, you mope your way through this, I will cut your throat. What are you talking about, mope? I've been in a great mood lately. Right. I think you need to start therapy again. You're self medicating, we haven't had sex in-- forget it, no therapy. You really should take a look at what they did to your mother's bedroom.
They're rookies, they're young guys, they're not used to this kinda of stress, so, they get impulsive... He better not say one fuckin' word. ... You got my word on that. I appreciate it, Chris, thank you. Come on in. Hey, Chris, brought you a little 'cap. Thanks. Sit down. Refresh my memory about this play we're making on Webistics. We own 400,000 shares. The trade on the bulletin board, otc. If we cold call enough senior citizens, pump and dump. Yeah, listen, you guys ain't spent much time in the NFL, let's face it. What the fuck you talkin' about? Two years with Eddie stakes. Besides, waxing eddies car. When he did the job in Canada-- then you know when you're bleedin' a guy, you don't squeeze him dry right away. Contrarily, you let him do his bidding, suavely. So, you can bleed him next week and the week after, at a minimum. You mean, we don't need one of these guys getting pissed and running to the FCC. I mean, is that what you're saying? Break it down. Sorry, Chris. Webistics is at 80, when are we dumping the stock? You'll know that when you need to know that. Excellent. This is cold, by the way. Guys... Anymore Porsches disappear, make it two towns over, and I want a taste. You're the man.
Grandma's gonna be so happy to see you. (Meadow) grandma, it's me. (Olivia) look who's here. Ma, I'm going downstairs. You spend the whole day on that elevator. Grandma, you've gotta eat. Let me die. Don't say that. I saw a light, there were voices calling out to me. Grandma, what went on between you and dad? Mom won't tell me anything. What, why, what did he say? Nothing, he won't mention you at all. Oh, that one. He blames me for everything. I know, me too. At night, they hit us. Why can't this family just get along? Some people don't wanna. But you, you listen to him. You do what he says. He's your father. I won't let them leave you here like this. They can't stop me from seeing you. Meadow, meadow, take that. In the drawer. In the drawer, take it. Oh, my god. This was your grandmother's wasn't it? It's so you won't forget me.
(music) We all came out to Montreux on the lake Geneva shoreline to make records with a mobile we didn't have much time frank zapp... (Cd skipping) come on, motherfuck! Motherfuck...! (Cd morphing) ... Fuck... ... Zappa and the mothers were at the best place around some stupid with...
I told my family I got broad sided, but, I passed out behind the wheel. See, my mother and me, we had a fallin' out. And, since then, things have been good. Clean break. What kind of falling out? One of those unfortunate situations. A lot of screaming. Profanity. Anyway, things were good. And then my sister came back. It's good to see her, I guess. Cues from childhood kick in, older sister. That should be obvious enough. Yeah, but those feelings are starting to bleed into my business. What sort of business are you in? Commercial waste. Mr. Spears, I watch the news, like everyone else. I know who you are, and I saw "analyze this". I don't need the ramifications that could arise from treating someone like yourself. "Analyze this"? Come on, it's a fuckin' comedy. I'm not taking new patients right now.
Oh, my baby sister! Oh, you look great. Who is this little guy? (Husband) traffic was terrible. (Tony) keep it down out there, you'll scare the neighbors. (Janice screaming) fuck! Carm, tony says the fire's almost ready. (Carmela) great, par', I'll be out in a second. Parvati, she's a cheese now? It's a Hindu goddess. Nice for her. She still answers to Janice, ma, if it makes you more comfortable. Hugo, go to the market, pick up a couple of cans of pears. Canned pears, not fresh. That's the secret to my pound cake. Get some basinigol' while you're there. The pears, you want the dole? I'm not even gonna answer this time. There is a new market, dad, down on pompton pike. A lot of changes since you've been here. With that "mommy dearest" around never again, I swore it. Which is exactly what she wanted. You played right into her hands with that. Remember what she said to you at your wedding? She said it was a mistake, tony would get bored with you.
Hey, take it easy! (Chattering) I love seeing them like that, over a fire. They're better over a spit. Who's Anthony look like to you, right now? Dad. We stopped in to see ma on the way over. How do you think she is? Mom, a little weak, but, she's all there. Some family reunion. The woman who bore them all is barred from the premises. I don't think you should get too close, Janice, look what she tried to do to tony. I have no fantasies about my mother. You know, he's trying to sell the house? What house? Ma's house. See, that's what I'm talking about. Don't get involved, let tony handle it. I only called you 'cause you're far away. I thought you would wanna know if your mother was ill. $180,000 he's asking for that place. Like he needs that. Well, I'm glad someone's taking charge. You'll get your cut. Ma's not dead yet, and there's no will. What? I mean, ma still has rights. Tony pays for the retirement home, the upkeep on her car. Hey, Parvati, take it easy. According to you, that coulda been Robert mitchum. Jesus Christ, fuckin' Paulie Gaultieri. Isn't he dead yet?
You're not gonna stay for dessert? We got Ben and Jerry's, we got a pear groupie cake my mother made. Yeah, I know, but my friends are havin' this gallery opening in chelsea. I'm tryin' to get them to finance my video. I'll leave some cake out for you. Hey, I'm sorry. Hey. What's up?
What the fuck? I'm sure there's an explanation. There is, there is. Take ma back to Seattle. She came here for the house, and a $400 car. That was the con from the first. That's the level she works at. Maybe the sign was broken. Maybe it fell down. I'm still a little fat kid to her. What does she think? She's gonna stop the house sale by picking up one fuckin' sign?! If she were here I'd be bouncing her head against the wall! Look at yourself, tony. Look at how angry you are! What do you care about that house? It's not gonna stop with the house. The $300 pillow which we're gonna pay for. The video equipment, which you already heard her talkin' about. When are you getting back into therapy? Don't start with that. I'm not fuckin' insane, and I'm not overreactin', 'cause you don't know this wretched little...! Alright, alright, this is getting you no place. Go outside, join the party. Be with your friends, have some pleasure. Go ahead. Fuckin' bitch. Tony, go ahead, go have a beer.
What the fuck are you doing? Second seatin' coming up. Fuckin' moron. Look at my wife over there. No wait, ton', the neighbor's St.. Bernard is on your property. You're a fuckin' moron. (Silvio) anyway, we flew first class... What service, forget about it. (Paulie) since when do you get frequent flier upgrades? The only time you ever took a trip was with that rockette that you claimed you were fuckin', and then she put LSD in your drink. Where'd you get the tickets? The Cuban? (Hesh) I always thought there was some way to divert frequent flier mileage on a grand scale. (Paulie) to do that, you gotta break into the airline's main computer. What do they call it, crackin'? Hackin'. Shelley hack, remember her? (Chattering) (voices becoming blurred) there's a fragrance that comes your way... they call it, Charlie
you didn't like it? Fuck off. So, when do we get to roll with tony? What? What, are you trippin'? We gotta work our way up, get introduced. You must be deep, hangin' out with him. Who? Mr. T, you's cap motherfuckers together? Nah, he's too big for that. He doesn't get his nails dirty. You tell him, we don't mind that shit. We'll do anything. Wet work, pick up his shirts. Does tony ever talk about us? No. You gonna drink or just sit there? Sit. What the fuck is the matter with you?! What's the matter? You leave my gas burner on? I almost lit a cigarette, I could have died. I apologized. Why you can't use a lighter to cook your shit like normal people is beyond me. When everything was finally going good between us-- shut up about that! Why, they're still gonna kiss your ass. They don't care if you're a junkie. Sit down! I hate you, fuckin' pig, get off me. You fuckin' whore. Fuck you! That's it, go home, get my dinner ready!
Don't yell, don't scream. All cutlery stays right where it is. How's the bagels in this place? Come on, you don't answer my calls, I got no choice. Walking away is a choice. Ruining my practice, it's a choice. You got your office back, no harm done. One of my patients committed suicide because I wasn't available to her. You know what that means to me? She can't eat bagels, she can't call in sick because she's feeling blue, she's gone. She's in the ground, because of you. I don't deserve your help. I hate your fuckin' system, I told you. Fuck you. But, i got a family, and believe it or not, they're better off with me than without me. I don't know what else to do. I drove off the road a couple days back. You look fine. The air bag. You always told me if I was drivin'-- that was a different time for us. Alright, I don't blame you. Maybe you can recommend somebody else? I would never ask another colleague to get involved in this. How many more people have to die for your personal growth? Look at me. I swear, to Jesus Christ, nobody got killed because of you. Get out of my life.
Hey. What are you doing home at this hour? Nothing. I thought it was A.J., Home from school. Yeah. You alright? Yeah. Want a little cold past'? I can microwave it. Looks good. You want cheese? Something to drink? No. Sit down.
< < Page 1 Page 2