The Sopranos - Closed Captions - #13 - I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano

Episode #13 Transcript
I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano
Captioned by HBO Communications Center,
©1999 Home Box Office,
a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
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Images are not thumbnails,
so fuhgeddaboutit!

(junior) okay, we know what we're gonna do? Till the government indicts, anyway. Jimmy, this answers your concerns? I think a lot of good ground was covered. Okay. I guess that's it. You know you got to get the tickets, you know? I got 'em already, don't worry. Fuck it, the rangers are gonna lose anyway. You're right, it's him. All of a sudden he asks for a meeting? To discuss shit we already covered? He's wearing a wire. You got my okay. Make sure you send a message to everybody else. See you later.

Who was it that told me you hated fuckin' Russians? The two needle-pricks junior brought around to pound my ass were Russian, for a while I was bitter. But Tony's gumar is Russian, you couldn't ask for a nicer person. These two tonight are friend of hers. I got enough cologne on? You smell like paco rabanne crawled up your ass and died. Easy for you to say. I don't get young ones like before. You're gonna be glad I got you outta bed tonight. Russian boo-boos, you go for some basic foreplay, they'll detail your car. How's the hygiene over there? I don't know, this is here. You didn't even let me put anything decent on. Here we are. (Knocking) hi lena, how are you. Is tatiana here? I'll go get her. You are jimmy? Yeah that's right. I'm jimmy. My man. Big tits, little feet. A hit in any man's league. Have a seat. You fuckin' punk ass pieces of shit. Whaddya forget I'm a captain? Why don't you call for help in your radio mike, you fuckin' rat. God. What's the matter, you're not wearing one tonight? No. He didn't have time to put on anything decent. Oh, god. Get the piano dolly.

Come on, stop. I want to watch. Georgia O'Keefe. Was that your back gate? It's probably nothing. Come here. That's what people always say in these creepy movies. The last thing I need is for your parents to come home and your dad sees my Dominican ass. Settiiiiiiiimia! Jesus. Fuck. I just saw my grandmother go by the window! How'd she get here from her nursing home? Settiiimia! Cakey, tell my sister to open the door. Grandma, it's me, Anthony jr. You got whooping cough. Get yourself under the vaporizer! Holy shit! What do you want, lady? Go away! I will never speak another word to you again, settimia. Grandma, aunt settimia's dead. It's me, meadow. Facia bruta. Grandma it's meadow, remember? Come sit down. Yes... Meadow. I can't stay in this house, honey bunch. Not while that facia brut' is in here. (Doorbell) c'mon grandma, let's go see who it is. 'Evening, how are we tonight? Make my sister get out of the house. It's one a.m., Dear. Why were you walking on mountain avenue at this hour? Shut up. We got a complaint from your neighbors of a woman wandering. She's my grandmother. Hi grandma. Oww. Shit. You know this young man? Of course. He's... He's my grandson. And is this your house, dear?

Where was she trying to get to? Schraft's. She's being retested. For Alzheimer's. It's been a long odyssey with your mother, hasn't it? These last 500 years just seem to race by. Listen to me. It's okay. Let it out. They're transferring her to the nursing unit. Which is the thing that she dreaded and feared. Isn't it interesting how this memory loss has cropped up right after you failed to be killed in the carjacking? You think it was a carjacking? Of course not. But I... Got an idea who was behind it and... Enough said. You don't want to go there. Maybe you don't want to go there. What are you talking about? Let's track it. Right around the time of the shooting you were having hallucinations. Of that isabella figure. The protective loving mother. Your subconscious was shouting something at you. On the day before the shooting you said to me that she kept going on yet again about news stories of mothers throwing their babies out of windows. Why don't we put our fucking cards on the table here. What do you think my mother tried to have me whacked because I put her in a nursing home? In your worse dreams a duck flies off with your penis. Castration. My mother never went after my basket. Not literally. Look, ordinarily a patient is helped to make his own breakthroughs. But your life is in danger, so, okay. I'm willing to put the cards on the table. I say what your mother has at the very least is what we call borderline personality disorder. "Borderline personality disorder." Let me read to you from the "dsm iv", okay? Definitions of the condition. "A pattern of unstable relationships, affective instability." It means, intense anxiety or joylessness. These people's internal phobias are the only things that exist to them. The real world, real people are peripheral. These people have no love or compassion. Borderline personalities are very good at splitting behavior. Creating bitterness and conflict between others in their circle. You twisted fucking bitch. That's my mother we're talking about. Not some fuck up in attica, stab you in the shower. See, we're through, you and I. We're finished. You're lucky if I don't break your fucking face in 50 thousand pieces.

I mean let's face it, jackie's work is what killed him. All that agita brought on the disease. But his reign was peaceful. This shooting with Tony-- suppose my jackie hadn't died of cancer. Who knows how his life could have ended. Look at Angie Bompensiero. A fucking shell since pussy disappeared. Ladies, compliments of the house. Buccatin' matriciana. Artie, you want a pair of hippos to walk out of here? That's imported pancetta in there. You gonna hate me, artie, if I say I like this place better than the old Vesuvio? There's a few bugs to be ironed out. And the one in your salad, that was a freak occurrence. My produce man, he's the most expensive one in the area. The insurance really came through. Yes, it did. Carm, what'd I hear about Tony's mom? Chiara was talking to meadow in school. Looks like Alzheimer's. Aw, boy. Yep. I've known Mrs. S since... She's always been an individualist, should we say? But she's a real pistol. What a character. Poor Tony. He's beside himself. He's got a lot on his plate. The attempted carjacking. Hey, well... I'll let you eat. Enjoy. Oh, my god, look who's here. What? You're hiding back here. Your best friend is on table 12. When are you gonna bury the hatchet? Arthur, I love carmela like a sister. We just don't want this place to become another mob hangout like the old Vesuvio. When are you gonna get it into your head that a certain amount of that kind of patronage creates buzz? Artie, that kind of buzz we should avoid in droves. Shit! Your first time here? The dellacrocce's gave me a gift certificate. That's part of artie's opening promotion. You will not believe the food. That's what I hear. Although they'd have to be doing something pretty special back there to trump you two ladies at the spice rack. I was over at carmela's the other night, Ro, we had some zabaglion' that-- well now of course we did make it together. Everybody was just raving about it. Oh please, you made it basically. I only wish tony had taken me up on my offer to talk with him about that carjacking that day. Hey, well... That makes two of us. Yeah. Well... I better get seated and order. Stay here. Take a load off. Yeah. How's the watch, father phil? Fantastic. I realized this morning I can set one of the dials to the millenial countdown. I haven't done it yet... Is that jackie's watch? Thanks again, ro.

Mr. Soprano was kind enough to come with us. When you threatened to wait till my kids got home. I'm sure agent harris explained that there's something we'd like you to hear. The Springsteen boxed set. I already got it. You know agent grasso I believe. Yeah how you doing? Have a seat. As we both know, there's been an attempt on your life. You have enemies. I'd say it's a safe assumption that you may have finally run out your string here in north jersey. The lovely agent harris and I had this conversation, I'll pass. You haven't heard what's on the tape. Play it. Because I don't give a fuck what's on it. I understand you and agent grasso had an interesting colloquy about our shared heritage. Colla-who? You and I are not compare, tony. You on the one hand, me and agent grasso on the other. Even though our ancestors all hail from the same sunny peninsula. What the fuck is your problem? But we do share some cultural ideas, religious, culinary, matriarchal. Maybe we can motivate you testify? Why don't you get the cumquats out of your mouth and get to the fuckin' point? Because I don't know what you're talking about. (Junior) anthony must have really gotten under your collar. Admit it. You're looking to crack his coglioni for putting you in here. (Livia) I don't know what you're talking about. (Junior) yeah and i'm playing shortstop for the mets. (Livia) a psychiatrist, he's been seeing one for a while now. God only knows what he says. You wired green grove? (Livia) he must have really taken me for an idiot. It was my idea. Everyone else thought it was a waste of money. (Livia) my cousin cakey after he had his lobotomy, looked exactly like my son. Empty, a shell. Better cakey had died than go on living like that. That's what his own mother always used to say. (Junior) what are you talking about meetings? With who for christ's sake livia? (Livia) all of them. Raymond, larry. (Junior) three of my capos have their mothers in this place? If this is true livia... You know what I... I mean, I'm the boss for christ's sake. If I don't act... Blood or no... I have to.

Mrs. S. How are you? You remember me? Arthur Bucco. That's right. Victoria's boy. That's right. Yeah you and my johnny used to play little league together. No, johnny was your husband. But you're right about the little league, that was me and tony. My son... That's right. Yeah. Oh gee, what's the matter with me? Oh. How are you? Well how are you arthur? Never been better. It's a nice room. Lots of sun. Yeah. Sit down. How's your mother? You call her every day. Mom passed away. Really? When? Oh, it's about six months ago. Please. Give her my regards. Is she still on that crazy diet? I brought you something. From my restaurant. I don't know if you remember, vesuvio? Of course I do. That was way back when your dad had it. Good for you. Yeah I got a new restaurant. Here you go. Gavadel! With a nice duck ragu. Homemade. It's northern. Oh. Northern. Mrs. S. What's the matter? Is it something I said? You're a good boy, arthur. Coming to visit me. We go back aways. You made a mean PB and J. After what my son did to you, how can I look you in the face? Tony... What did he do now? You don't blame him for setting the fire? Well you're a bigger man than some. We should all be grateful that nobody was incinerated to death.

Altieri's wake is tonight. I phoned in a bomb scare. See now, that's over the top. It was junior and mikey that definitely took out the hit. Start things moving. Not like we didn't know. How'd you find out for sure? There's no room for interpretation. Minchia. T, I'm sorry. Your own uncle. Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes. If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He can strike first. And he won't use "boys 2 men" this time. He'll go with who he knows. Chucky signore. Mikey's now too high up. So chuckey's got to disappear without setting off any alarms. I just passed my coast guard test. T, anything else? My ear hurts.

Here. One of mine. It'll help you sleep. What kind of person can I be where his own mother wants him dead? The problem is not with you. That woman is a peculiar duck. She always has been. Yeah, but that's not the point. She's gotten worse with age. You think my mother didn't warn me about her on my wedding day? Please don't start with that again. Both your sisters left new jersey so young you would have thought there were contracts out on them. I know. But you were different. You tried to make it work. Two pricks with nine millimeters. My self-esteem is nonexistent right now. I could kill her... With these two hands. The next time I see her, it's gonna be-- you got to play the concerned daughter-in-law. You got to stay even-keeled. For the sake of the business. Fuck the business. Let me tell you something Tony, dollars to donuts, this Alzheimer's thing is an act. So she can't be called on her shit. Uncle junior and I, we had our problems with the business. But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this. You had to see a shrink because of the mother you had. When I look at the guys now all I feel is humiliation. I'll take care of my uncle. And I'll take care of mikey p. And I'll get some satisfaction. But inside... I'll know.

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Episode #13 Transcript I Dream of Jeannie Cusamano Captioned by HBO Communications Center, ©1999 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P. Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 > >		Images are not thumbnails, so fuhgeddaboutit!
(junior) okay, we know what we're gonna do? Till the government indicts, anyway. Jimmy, this answers your concerns? I think a lot of good ground was covered. Okay. I guess that's it. You know you got to get the tickets, you know? I got 'em already, don't worry. Fuck it, the rangers are gonna lose anyway. You're right, it's him. All of a sudden he asks for a meeting? To discuss shit we already covered? He's wearing a wire. You got my okay. Make sure you send a message to everybody else. See you later.
Who was it that told me you hated fuckin' Russians? The two needle-pricks junior brought around to pound my ass were Russian, for a while I was bitter. But Tony's gumar is Russian, you couldn't ask for a nicer person. These two tonight are friend of hers. I got enough cologne on? You smell like paco rabanne crawled up your ass and died. Easy for you to say. I don't get young ones like before. You're gonna be glad I got you outta bed tonight. Russian boo-boos, you go for some basic foreplay, they'll detail your car. How's the hygiene over there? I don't know, this is here. You didn't even let me put anything decent on. Here we are. (Knocking) hi lena, how are you. Is tatiana here? I'll go get her. You are jimmy? Yeah that's right. I'm jimmy. My man. Big tits, little feet. A hit in any man's league. Have a seat. You fuckin' punk ass pieces of shit. Whaddya forget I'm a captain? Why don't you call for help in your radio mike, you fuckin' rat. God. What's the matter, you're not wearing one tonight? No. He didn't have time to put on anything decent. Oh, god. Get the piano dolly.
Come on, stop. I want to watch. Georgia O'Keefe. Was that your back gate? It's probably nothing. Come here. That's what people always say in these creepy movies. The last thing I need is for your parents to come home and your dad sees my Dominican ass. Settiiiiiiiimia! Jesus. Fuck. I just saw my grandmother go by the window! How'd she get here from her nursing home? Settiiimia! Cakey, tell my sister to open the door. Grandma, it's me, Anthony jr. You got whooping cough. Get yourself under the vaporizer! Holy shit! What do you want, lady? Go away! I will never speak another word to you again, settimia. Grandma, aunt settimia's dead. It's me, meadow. Facia bruta. Grandma it's meadow, remember? Come sit down. Yes... Meadow. I can't stay in this house, honey bunch. Not while that facia brut' is in here. (Doorbell) c'mon grandma, let's go see who it is. 'Evening, how are we tonight? Make my sister get out of the house. It's one a.m., Dear. Why were you walking on mountain avenue at this hour? Shut up. We got a complaint from your neighbors of a woman wandering. She's my grandmother. Hi grandma. Oww. Shit. You know this young man? Of course. He's... He's my grandson. And is this your house, dear?
Where was she trying to get to? Schraft's. She's being retested. For Alzheimer's. It's been a long odyssey with your mother, hasn't it? These last 500 years just seem to race by. Listen to me. It's okay. Let it out. They're transferring her to the nursing unit. Which is the thing that she dreaded and feared. Isn't it interesting how this memory loss has cropped up right after you failed to be killed in the carjacking? You think it was a carjacking? Of course not. But I... Got an idea who was behind it and... Enough said. You don't want to go there. Maybe you don't want to go there. What are you talking about? Let's track it. Right around the time of the shooting you were having hallucinations. Of that isabella figure. The protective loving mother. Your subconscious was shouting something at you. On the day before the shooting you said to me that she kept going on yet again about news stories of mothers throwing their babies out of windows. Why don't we put our fucking cards on the table here. What do you think my mother tried to have me whacked because I put her in a nursing home? In your worse dreams a duck flies off with your penis. Castration. My mother never went after my basket. Not literally. Look, ordinarily a patient is helped to make his own breakthroughs. But your life is in danger, so, okay. I'm willing to put the cards on the table. I say what your mother has at the very least is what we call borderline personality disorder. "Borderline personality disorder." Let me read to you from the "dsm iv", okay? Definitions of the condition. "A pattern of unstable relationships, affective instability." It means, intense anxiety or joylessness. These people's internal phobias are the only things that exist to them. The real world, real people are peripheral. These people have no love or compassion. Borderline personalities are very good at splitting behavior. Creating bitterness and conflict between others in their circle. You twisted fucking bitch. That's my mother we're talking about. Not some fuck up in attica, stab you in the shower. See, we're through, you and I. We're finished. You're lucky if I don't break your fucking face in 50 thousand pieces.
I mean let's face it, jackie's work is what killed him. All that agita brought on the disease. But his reign was peaceful. This shooting with Tony-- suppose my jackie hadn't died of cancer. Who knows how his life could have ended. Look at Angie Bompensiero. A fucking shell since pussy disappeared. Ladies, compliments of the house. Buccatin' matriciana. Artie, you want a pair of hippos to walk out of here? That's imported pancetta in there. You gonna hate me, artie, if I say I like this place better than the old Vesuvio? There's a few bugs to be ironed out. And the one in your salad, that was a freak occurrence. My produce man, he's the most expensive one in the area. The insurance really came through. Yes, it did. Carm, what'd I hear about Tony's mom? Chiara was talking to meadow in school. Looks like Alzheimer's. Aw, boy. Yep. I've known Mrs. S since... She's always been an individualist, should we say? But she's a real pistol. What a character. Poor Tony. He's beside himself. He's got a lot on his plate. The attempted carjacking. Hey, well... I'll let you eat. Enjoy. Oh, my god, look who's here. What? You're hiding back here. Your best friend is on table 12. When are you gonna bury the hatchet? Arthur, I love carmela like a sister. We just don't want this place to become another mob hangout like the old Vesuvio. When are you gonna get it into your head that a certain amount of that kind of patronage creates buzz? Artie, that kind of buzz we should avoid in droves. Shit! Your first time here? The dellacrocce's gave me a gift certificate. That's part of artie's opening promotion. You will not believe the food. That's what I hear. Although they'd have to be doing something pretty special back there to trump you two ladies at the spice rack. I was over at carmela's the other night, Ro, we had some zabaglion' that-- well now of course we did make it together. Everybody was just raving about it. Oh please, you made it basically. I only wish tony had taken me up on my offer to talk with him about that carjacking that day. Hey, well... That makes two of us. Yeah. Well... I better get seated and order. Stay here. Take a load off. Yeah. How's the watch, father phil? Fantastic. I realized this morning I can set one of the dials to the millenial countdown. I haven't done it yet... Is that jackie's watch? Thanks again, ro.
Mr. Soprano was kind enough to come with us. When you threatened to wait till my kids got home. I'm sure agent harris explained that there's something we'd like you to hear. The Springsteen boxed set. I already got it. You know agent grasso I believe. Yeah how you doing? Have a seat. As we both know, there's been an attempt on your life. You have enemies. I'd say it's a safe assumption that you may have finally run out your string here in north jersey. The lovely agent harris and I had this conversation, I'll pass. You haven't heard what's on the tape. Play it. Because I don't give a fuck what's on it. I understand you and agent grasso had an interesting colloquy about our shared heritage. Colla-who? You and I are not compare, tony. You on the one hand, me and agent grasso on the other. Even though our ancestors all hail from the same sunny peninsula. What the fuck is your problem? But we do share some cultural ideas, religious, culinary, matriarchal. Maybe we can motivate you testify? Why don't you get the cumquats out of your mouth and get to the fuckin' point? Because I don't know what you're talking about. (Junior) anthony must have really gotten under your collar. Admit it. You're looking to crack his coglioni for putting you in here. (Livia) I don't know what you're talking about. (Junior) yeah and i'm playing shortstop for the mets. (Livia) a psychiatrist, he's been seeing one for a while now. God only knows what he says. You wired green grove? (Livia) he must have really taken me for an idiot. It was my idea. Everyone else thought it was a waste of money. (Livia) my cousin cakey after he had his lobotomy, looked exactly like my son. Empty, a shell. Better cakey had died than go on living like that. That's what his own mother always used to say. (Junior) what are you talking about meetings? With who for christ's sake livia? (Livia) all of them. Raymond, larry. (Junior) three of my capos have their mothers in this place? If this is true livia... You know what I... I mean, I'm the boss for christ's sake. If I don't act... Blood or no... I have to.
Mrs. S. How are you? You remember me? Arthur Bucco. That's right. Victoria's boy. That's right. Yeah you and my johnny used to play little league together. No, johnny was your husband. But you're right about the little league, that was me and tony. My son... That's right. Yeah. Oh gee, what's the matter with me? Oh. How are you? Well how are you arthur? Never been better. It's a nice room. Lots of sun. Yeah. Sit down. How's your mother? You call her every day. Mom passed away. Really? When? Oh, it's about six months ago. Please. Give her my regards. Is she still on that crazy diet? I brought you something. From my restaurant. I don't know if you remember, vesuvio? Of course I do. That was way back when your dad had it. Good for you. Yeah I got a new restaurant. Here you go. Gavadel! With a nice duck ragu. Homemade. It's northern. Oh. Northern. Mrs. S. What's the matter? Is it something I said? You're a good boy, arthur. Coming to visit me. We go back aways. You made a mean PB and J. After what my son did to you, how can I look you in the face? Tony... What did he do now? You don't blame him for setting the fire? Well you're a bigger man than some. We should all be grateful that nobody was incinerated to death.
Altieri's wake is tonight. I phoned in a bomb scare. See now, that's over the top. It was junior and mikey that definitely took out the hit. Start things moving. Not like we didn't know. How'd you find out for sure? There's no room for interpretation. Minchia. T, I'm sorry. Your own uncle. Let's do it right. Act normal. Plan things out. Make no mistakes. If I'm your uncle, I got to finish what I started. He can strike first. And he won't use "boys 2 men" this time. He'll go with who he knows. Chucky signore. Mikey's now too high up. So chuckey's got to disappear without setting off any alarms. I just passed my coast guard test. T, anything else? My ear hurts.
Here. One of mine. It'll help you sleep. What kind of person can I be where his own mother wants him dead? The problem is not with you. That woman is a peculiar duck. She always has been. Yeah, but that's not the point. She's gotten worse with age. You think my mother didn't warn me about her on my wedding day? Please don't start with that again. Both your sisters left new jersey so young you would have thought there were contracts out on them. I know. But you were different. You tried to make it work. Two pricks with nine millimeters. My self-esteem is nonexistent right now. I could kill her... With these two hands. The next time I see her, it's gonna be-- you got to play the concerned daughter-in-law. You got to stay even-keeled. For the sake of the business. Fuck the business. Let me tell you something Tony, dollars to donuts, this Alzheimer's thing is an act. So she can't be called on her shit. Uncle junior and I, we had our problems with the business. But I never should have razzed him about eating pussy. This whole war could have been averted. Cunnilingus and psychiatry brought us to this. You had to see a shrink because of the mother you had. When I look at the guys now all I feel is humiliation. I'll take care of my uncle. And I'll take care of mikey p. And I'll get some satisfaction. But inside... I'll know.
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