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Episode #1 Closed Captions Transcript
Pilot
Captioned by HBO Communications Center, copyright 1999 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
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Images are not thumbnails, so fuhgeddaboutit!

Herman, there's no way I can subvert my fucking company. What, have them pay claims for MRI's that never happened? The paperwork will look just like the real. Well, how do I not get caught? Alex, I hate to hear you knocking yourself like this. C'mon, you're a smart guy. I'm depressed. I'm so fucking depressed I can't eat, sleep. You on prozac? Zoloft. It's similar. It's supposed to help with the gambling too. Yeah, no shit. Yeah, well this whole new generation of anti-depressants are supposed to be useful against compulsive behaviors. That's a shame. A medication comes along after your gambling gets your fucking hip busted to shit. I'm trying not to be cynical. Alex, your debt and the feelings surrounding it is a source of all your problems. You know it and I know it. I'm sorry I haven't paid you, herman. I know you are. I never meant to denigrate tony soprano. Hey, you want to go for a walk on the rocks? The crutches, I can't-- c'mon, it's beautiful out there. C'mon. We'll help ya. I go out there to think. Thanks, but no. That's right, what you were saying before with the MRI's...

T. Dick's looking for you. Hey, tony. I just heard from triboro towers. The kolar brothers withdrew their bid. That's good, good. By the way, artie bucco's here to see you. I got to go guys. Take care. Artie. You alright? I can't. What are you talking about? We discussed this. You got to leave town. I'm sorry.

This is unacceptable. I had an 8:00 reservation I made two weeks ago. Sir, as I explained, people are not leaving their tables and there are five parties ahead of you. What would you like-- can I help you? I tore her a new one. Why don't we just go to another restaurant and eat. We're here. (Male) mr. Soprano, how you doing? (Soprano) how you doing? Hey. This way. (Female) sweetie pie, I'm hungry. Hey. Tony, where you going? How are you? Good. You come here? When possible. Hey, listen. Those decoratoring tips you gave me. They really work. Good. How you doing? Nils... Do you know who that was? Obviously you do. Is he a patient? You know I can't say. Decorating tips. Yeah, right. Nils, shut the fuck up. Mr. Borglund, they're setting up your table right now. Whoa.

(Female) who was that woman tonight at the restaurant? (Soprano) a decorator. What, you're redoing the garbage dump? Funny. You better not be messing with that hat. Come on, it's JFK's hat. I bought it at that auction. Gimme that. Jesus. I know there is something more intimate between you and her. Nothing intimate, we just talk. Yeah.

Mr. Soprano. Where you been? Signora carmela. Sometimes... Life is good. Life is often good. This regaliali, for example. You been in good spirits the last couple days. Carmela. Something I got to confess. What are you doing? Getting my wine in position to throw in your damn face. You're always with the drama. You go ahead and confess already please, get it over with. I'm on prozac. Oh. Oh, my god. I've been seeing a therapist. Oh, my god. I think that's great. I think that's so wonderful. I think that's so gutsy. Take it easy. I think that's very, very wonderful. You'd think I was hannibal lecter before or something. I just think it's great. Psychology doesn't address the soul. That's something else. But this is a start. This is something. I'm gonna shut up now. I'll shut up now. You're the only person that knows. The only reason I'm telling you this is because you're my wife. You're the only person on this planet that i'm completely and totally honest with. Oh, please. Hey, goddamn it, I'm serious. The wrong person finds out about this and I get a steeljacket antidepressant in the back of the head. I didn't realize you were so unhappy. I don't know. My mother. You told him about your father, right? Who? Your therapist. Yeah. Yeah, I told him. Well, good. But your mother is the one. I don't know, I just feel like lately... My life's out of balance. Our existence on this earth is a puzzle. My own daughter hates me. She doesn't hate you, carm. We were best friends. Mothers and their daughters. She'll come back to you.

(Phone) hello. Jesus, I got through. Huh, what's the matter, no social life? Blow me. Dad. I brought you my primavera. It's your favorite. Who is it? Christopher. Hey. Friend of ours just got back in town. (Reporter) little pussy malanga, sometimes confused with fellow reputed mobster, big pussy bonpensiero, just returned from florida when... So it's gonna go down soon. Don't worry about it, I got a way to put it right to bed. C'mon.

So when do you need this by? Right away. Way to go, meadow. Beautiful, beautiful. I think I can get a party like that together. Side out? The ball hit the line. What you doing, ref? Mom didn't come? Didn't think you wanted her to. The car's over there. Hey, mr. Dante. See you, heather. You guys played a good game. That heather dante where'd she get that spike? Don't you think it's totally unfair what mom's doing? And now like making this little movie scene out of it. The sad mom can't come to her daughter's sports event. Dad. Don't you think it's totally out there? I mean, my aspen trip. What is she thinking? Dad. It's been years since I've been here. Dad. Please talk to her. Please. This is so stupid. Why are we sitting here? Your mother thinks you have the capacity to be a top student. I agree. What do you guys want, perfection? What are you looking at? Your great grandfather and his brother, frank. They built this place. Big whoop. Stone and marble workers. They came over here from italy and they built this place. Yeah, right. Two guys. No. They were two guys and a crew of laborers. They didn't design it. But they knew how to build it. Go out now and find me two guys that could put decent grout around your bathtub.

So, I feel good. So I don't know if i'm gonna be needing to come back. It's not the prozac. Why not? You said you're thinking clearer and your wife says you seem to be better. That's not the medication. Prozac takes several weeks to build up effective levels in the blood. What is it then? Coming here. Talking. Hope comes in many forms. Who's got time for that? What is it you want to say to me? I had a dream last night. My belly button was A... Phillips-head screw. And I'm working on screwing it. When I get it unscrewed... My penis falls off. You know, I pick it up and I'm holding it and I'm running around looking for the guy who used to work on my lincoln when I drove Lincolns so he could put it back on. And... I'm holding it up and this bird swoops down. And grabs it in its beak and flies off with it. What kind of bird? I don't know. Seagull or something. A water bird? I saw "the birds" last week on cable. You think maybe that planted the idea? What else is a water bird? Pelican. Flamingo. What about ducks? Those goddamn ducks. What is it about those ducks that meant so much to you? I don't know, it was just-- a trip having those wild creatures come into my pool and have their little babies. I was sad to see them go. Jesus, fuck, now he's gonna cry. Shit. Fuck me. When the ducks gave birth to those babies they became a family. You're right. That's the link. A connection. I'm afraid i'm gonna lose my family. Like I lost the ducks. That's what I'm full of dread about. That's always with me. What are you so afraid is going to happen? I don't know.

You work so hard. You work so damn hard. And to see your life's dream... Burn down. Look at it this way, you collect the insurance, that's all. Arthur, you got to say to yourself, it could have been worse. How could it have been worse? Fucking faulty stove. Suppose people stop coming to the restaurant. You ever think of that? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. He's right about that. There's no insurance for that. But why would people stop coming to the restaurant when it's just starting to catch on? Know what I'm figuring out lately? Talking helps. That's right. He's right. Hope... Comes in many forms. Absolutely. Come on. Jeez. Hold this. Artie. Artie, come on. Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. I'll always help you. Come on. Come on. Let him cook, you'll feel better. Go ahead.

Someday i'll tell him we torched the restaurant. It's the best solution. Enough of this shit. What's wrong with you? You know, a simple, "way to go, chris on the triboro tower's contract" would have been nice, that's it. You're right. You're right. I have no defense. That's how I was parented. Never supported. Never complimented. You know my cousin, gregory's girlfriend is what they call a development girl out in hollywood. She said I could sell my life story, make fucking millions. I didn't do that. I stuck it out with you. I'll fucking kill you. What you gonna do, go henry hill on me now? You know how many mobsters are selling screenplays and screwing everything up? She said I could maybe even play myself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Forget hollywood screenplays, forget those distractions, huh. What do you think, I haven't had offers? You got work to do. New avenues. Everything's gonna be alright from here on in. C'mon, look at it, it's a beautiful day. What could be bad?

It's nice of you to pick me up for the party, jr. At least somebody cares about me. These kids today. I suppose he thinks once he's got me locked in a nursing home i'll die faster. And then he won't have to drive me anywhere. If his father was still alive. You can bet your boots he'd show more decency and respect for his mother. Well, my brother, john, was a man among men. He was a saint. Anyway, lots of things are different now from johnny's in my day. What do you mean? I'm not free to run my business like I want. Isn't that awful? Just this week, your son stuck his hand in, made it a hundred times more difficult for me. Plus he thumbs his nose at new york. What are you gonna do? He's part of a whole generation. Remember the crazy hair and the dope? Now, it's fags in the military. Stop it, junior. You're making me very upset. I don't like to,. But I'm all agita all the time. And I'll tell you something else. Things are down all across the board. A lot of friends of ours are complaining. We used to be recession proof. No more. You can't blame it all on the justice department. Our friends say to me, "junior, why don't you take a larger hand in things?" Something may have to be done, olivia, about tony. I don't know.

There they are. Hey, ma. Uncle jun'. You're using mesquite! That makes the sausage taste peculiar. Hi, grandma. Happy birthday, my big boy. Carmela, my mother's here. Everybody, let's eat. (Chatter) (female) meadow, I'm not gonna eat, are you?

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Episode #1 Closed Captions Transcript Pilot Captioned by HBO Communications Center, copyright 1999 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P. < < Page 1 Page 2 Page 3	Images are not thumbnails, so fuhgeddaboutit!
Herman, there's no way I can subvert my fucking company. What, have them pay claims for MRI's that never happened? The paperwork will look just like the real. Well, how do I not get caught? Alex, I hate to hear you knocking yourself like this. C'mon, you're a smart guy. I'm depressed. I'm so fucking depressed I can't eat, sleep. You on prozac? Zoloft. It's similar. It's supposed to help with the gambling too. Yeah, no shit. Yeah, well this whole new generation of anti-depressants are supposed to be useful against compulsive behaviors. That's a shame. A medication comes along after your gambling gets your fucking hip busted to shit. I'm trying not to be cynical. Alex, your debt and the feelings surrounding it is a source of all your problems. You know it and I know it. I'm sorry I haven't paid you, herman. I know you are. I never meant to denigrate tony soprano. Hey, you want to go for a walk on the rocks? The crutches, I can't-- c'mon, it's beautiful out there. C'mon. We'll help ya. I go out there to think. Thanks, but no. That's right, what you were saying before with the MRI's...
T. Dick's looking for you. Hey, tony. I just heard from triboro towers. The kolar brothers withdrew their bid. That's good, good. By the way, artie bucco's here to see you. I got to go guys. Take care. Artie. You alright? I can't. What are you talking about? We discussed this. You got to leave town. I'm sorry.
This is unacceptable. I had an 8:00 reservation I made two weeks ago. Sir, as I explained, people are not leaving their tables and there are five parties ahead of you. What would you like-- can I help you? I tore her a new one. Why don't we just go to another restaurant and eat. We're here. (Male) mr. Soprano, how you doing? (Soprano) how you doing? Hey. This way. (Female) sweetie pie, I'm hungry. Hey. Tony, where you going? How are you? Good. You come here? When possible. Hey, listen. Those decoratoring tips you gave me. They really work. Good. How you doing? Nils... Do you know who that was? Obviously you do. Is he a patient? You know I can't say. Decorating tips. Yeah, right. Nils, shut the fuck up. Mr. Borglund, they're setting up your table right now. Whoa.
(Female) who was that woman tonight at the restaurant? (Soprano) a decorator. What, you're redoing the garbage dump? Funny. You better not be messing with that hat. Come on, it's JFK's hat. I bought it at that auction. Gimme that. Jesus. I know there is something more intimate between you and her. Nothing intimate, we just talk. Yeah.
Mr. Soprano. Where you been? Signora carmela. Sometimes... Life is good. Life is often good. This regaliali, for example. You been in good spirits the last couple days. Carmela. Something I got to confess. What are you doing? Getting my wine in position to throw in your damn face. You're always with the drama. You go ahead and confess already please, get it over with. I'm on prozac. Oh. Oh, my god. I've been seeing a therapist. Oh, my god. I think that's great. I think that's so wonderful. I think that's so gutsy. Take it easy. I think that's very, very wonderful. You'd think I was hannibal lecter before or something. I just think it's great. Psychology doesn't address the soul. That's something else. But this is a start. This is something. I'm gonna shut up now. I'll shut up now. You're the only person that knows. The only reason I'm telling you this is because you're my wife. You're the only person on this planet that i'm completely and totally honest with. Oh, please. Hey, goddamn it, I'm serious. The wrong person finds out about this and I get a steeljacket antidepressant in the back of the head. I didn't realize you were so unhappy. I don't know. My mother. You told him about your father, right? Who? Your therapist. Yeah. Yeah, I told him. Well, good. But your mother is the one. I don't know, I just feel like lately... My life's out of balance. Our existence on this earth is a puzzle. My own daughter hates me. She doesn't hate you, carm. We were best friends. Mothers and their daughters. She'll come back to you.
(Phone) hello. Jesus, I got through. Huh, what's the matter, no social life? Blow me. Dad. I brought you my primavera. It's your favorite. Who is it? Christopher. Hey. Friend of ours just got back in town. (Reporter) little pussy malanga, sometimes confused with fellow reputed mobster, big pussy bonpensiero, just returned from florida when... So it's gonna go down soon. Don't worry about it, I got a way to put it right to bed. C'mon.
So when do you need this by? Right away. Way to go, meadow. Beautiful, beautiful. I think I can get a party like that together. Side out? The ball hit the line. What you doing, ref? Mom didn't come? Didn't think you wanted her to. The car's over there. Hey, mr. Dante. See you, heather. You guys played a good game. That heather dante where'd she get that spike? Don't you think it's totally unfair what mom's doing? And now like making this little movie scene out of it. The sad mom can't come to her daughter's sports event. Dad. Don't you think it's totally out there? I mean, my aspen trip. What is she thinking? Dad. It's been years since I've been here. Dad. Please talk to her. Please. This is so stupid. Why are we sitting here? Your mother thinks you have the capacity to be a top student. I agree. What do you guys want, perfection? What are you looking at? Your great grandfather and his brother, frank. They built this place. Big whoop. Stone and marble workers. They came over here from italy and they built this place. Yeah, right. Two guys. No. They were two guys and a crew of laborers. They didn't design it. But they knew how to build it. Go out now and find me two guys that could put decent grout around your bathtub.
So, I feel good. So I don't know if i'm gonna be needing to come back. It's not the prozac. Why not? You said you're thinking clearer and your wife says you seem to be better. That's not the medication. Prozac takes several weeks to build up effective levels in the blood. What is it then? Coming here. Talking. Hope comes in many forms. Who's got time for that? What is it you want to say to me? I had a dream last night. My belly button was A... Phillips-head screw. And I'm working on screwing it. When I get it unscrewed... My penis falls off. You know, I pick it up and I'm holding it and I'm running around looking for the guy who used to work on my lincoln when I drove Lincolns so he could put it back on. And... I'm holding it up and this bird swoops down. And grabs it in its beak and flies off with it. What kind of bird? I don't know. Seagull or something. A water bird? I saw "the birds" last week on cable. You think maybe that planted the idea? What else is a water bird? Pelican. Flamingo. What about ducks? Those goddamn ducks. What is it about those ducks that meant so much to you? I don't know, it was just-- a trip having those wild creatures come into my pool and have their little babies. I was sad to see them go. Jesus, fuck, now he's gonna cry. Shit. Fuck me. When the ducks gave birth to those babies they became a family. You're right. That's the link. A connection. I'm afraid i'm gonna lose my family. Like I lost the ducks. That's what I'm full of dread about. That's always with me. What are you so afraid is going to happen? I don't know.
You work so hard. You work so damn hard. And to see your life's dream... Burn down. Look at it this way, you collect the insurance, that's all. Arthur, you got to say to yourself, it could have been worse. How could it have been worse? Fucking faulty stove. Suppose people stop coming to the restaurant. You ever think of that? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck. He's right about that. There's no insurance for that. But why would people stop coming to the restaurant when it's just starting to catch on? Know what I'm figuring out lately? Talking helps. That's right. He's right. Hope... Comes in many forms. Absolutely. Come on. Jeez. Hold this. Artie. Artie, come on. Hey, hey, hey. Look at me. Look at me. I'll always help you. Come on. Come on. Let him cook, you'll feel better. Go ahead.
Someday i'll tell him we torched the restaurant. It's the best solution. Enough of this shit. What's wrong with you? You know, a simple, "way to go, chris on the triboro tower's contract" would have been nice, that's it. You're right. You're right. I have no defense. That's how I was parented. Never supported. Never complimented. You know my cousin, gregory's girlfriend is what they call a development girl out in hollywood. She said I could sell my life story, make fucking millions. I didn't do that. I stuck it out with you. I'll fucking kill you. What you gonna do, go henry hill on me now? You know how many mobsters are selling screenplays and screwing everything up? She said I could maybe even play myself. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Forget hollywood screenplays, forget those distractions, huh. What do you think, I haven't had offers? You got work to do. New avenues. Everything's gonna be alright from here on in. C'mon, look at it, it's a beautiful day. What could be bad?
It's nice of you to pick me up for the party, jr. At least somebody cares about me. These kids today. I suppose he thinks once he's got me locked in a nursing home i'll die faster. And then he won't have to drive me anywhere. If his father was still alive. You can bet your boots he'd show more decency and respect for his mother. Well, my brother, john, was a man among men. He was a saint. Anyway, lots of things are different now from johnny's in my day. What do you mean? I'm not free to run my business like I want. Isn't that awful? Just this week, your son stuck his hand in, made it a hundred times more difficult for me. Plus he thumbs his nose at new york. What are you gonna do? He's part of a whole generation. Remember the crazy hair and the dope? Now, it's fags in the military. Stop it, junior. You're making me very upset. I don't like to,. But I'm all agita all the time. And I'll tell you something else. Things are down all across the board. A lot of friends of ours are complaining. We used to be recession proof. No more. You can't blame it all on the justice department. Our friends say to me, "junior, why don't you take a larger hand in things?" Something may have to be done, olivia, about tony. I don't know.
There they are. Hey, ma. Uncle jun'. You're using mesquite! That makes the sausage taste peculiar. Hi, grandma. Happy birthday, my big boy. Carmela, my mother's here. Everybody, let's eat. (Chatter) (female) meadow, I'm not gonna eat, are you?
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