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Pilot Captioned by HBO Communications Center, copyright 1999 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P. |
so fuhgeddaboutit! |
| (Soprano) dr. Cusamano put me in the hospital. Gave me every kind of test. When you're in the MRI, there's a microphone by your head. If you get claustrophobia and have to come out. We only suggest that you don't do that because we only have to start again from the beginning. Okay. Hey, carm. Thought you might want some company. Yeah. 6:30 in the morning. How are the kids? They're worried about you. I told Anthony junior we'd rain check his birthday. Okay. You think I got a brain tumor? Well, we're gonna find out. What a bedside manner. Very encouraging. What are you gonna not know? We had some good times. Had some good years. Here he goes now with the nostalgia. Hey, all I'm saying is no marriage is perfect. Having that amante on the side helps. I told you I'm not seeing her anymore. How do you think I feel having that priest around all the time. Don't even go there, alright?! Father is a spiritual mentor. He's helping me to be a better catholic. Yeah, we all got different needs. What's different between you and me is you're going to hell when you die. | 
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| My nephew, Christopher, was handling the garbage contract problem. But on this I will also not go into detail. Emil... Kolar. Chris Moltisanti. In Czech republic, too, we love pork. You ever have our sausages? I thought the only sausages they had was Italian and jimmy deans. See what you learn when you cross cultures? My uncle Evzen doesn't know I came. But if we make any progress here tonight, I'll have to tell him. We have to make progress, email, we got to stop the madness. Garbage business is changing. You and I are the younger generation. We have issues in common. Emil. Where'd you go to high school? Was it Poland? I'm not polish. Czechoslovakian, what's that? That's a type of polack. We came to this country when I was nine. I went to west essex. You used to play my cousin, Gregory, in football. He went to-- where's the stuff? Yes, yes, yes. The reason for the visit. Got it all deployed for you. Taste the wares, email. Emil. my man |  |
| The doctors kept me hanging about the tests. As doctors will do. So my uncle and I played a round of golf and had lunch. You keep mentioning your uncle. What seems to be the problem? Who do you think you are? I'm the person who says how things go. That's who I think I am. Now, listen, Artie's dinner business is nice, upscale people from the suburbs, don't ruin his life. Versuvio is where pussy feels safe. He's been eating here all his life. You kill him someplace else. You may run north jersey, but you don't run your uncle junior. How many fucking hours did I spend playing catch with you? |  |
| (Psychiatrist) can we focus more on your immediate family? (Soprano) my wife and my daughter were not getting along. Darlin', these laser disks are incredible. Tony watches Godfather 2 all the time. He says the camera work looks just as good as in the movie theater. Gorton willis. Tony prefers two, not one? Yeah, he likes the part where vito goes back to Sicily. Three was like, what happened? Where does Tony rank goodfellas? (Rumbling) what do you have raccoons? Somebody's jimmying a window. What? You have all these security lights, who would try and... Oh, no. Jeez louise. Hold it! Meadow. I noticed that glass rattles every time I walk to the laundry room. Do we have any, what do you call it, puddy? Don't give me that. You snuck out! What's going on? You locked my bedroom window on purpose so I get caught. Normal people thought you were upstairs doing your homework. You have become a master of lying and conniving. Yeah, I know I'm grounded. But Patrick's swim meet is tomorrow and he needed me. Grounded for this? Oh, no, you're not grounded. You're not going to aspen with hunter scangarelo! That's where you're not going! Yes! | 
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| But this shit, I'm telling you, it'll all blow over. Didn't you admit to dr. Cusamano that you were feeling depressed? Melfi. What part of the boot you from, hon? Dr. Melfi. My father's people were from Caserta. Avellino. My mother would have loved it if you and I got together. Anxiety attacks are legitimate psychiatric emergencies. Suppose you were driving and you passed out? Let me tell you something. Nowadays, everybody's got to go to shrinks and counselors, and go on sally Jesse raphael and talk about their problems. Whatever happened to Gary cooper? The strong, silent type. That was an American. He wasn't in touch with his feelings. He just did what he had to do. See, what they didn't know is once they got Gary cooper in touch with his feelings, that they wouldn't be able to shut him up. And then it's dysfunction this and dysfunction that and dysfunction va fa culo! You have strong feelings about this. Let me tell you something. I have a semester and a half of college so I understand Freud. I understand therapy as a concept, but in my world it does not go down. Could I be happier? Yeah, yeah. Who couldn't? Do you feel depressed? Do you feel depressed? Since the ducks left. I guess. The ducks that preceded your losing consciousness. Let's talk about them. | 
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| There. You can't blame T for being pissed. You whacked this kid. You should have waited for me, Christopher. That's the last time I show any fucking initiative. Imagine how I felt? T's runnin' down the garbage business. I just fucking wet a guy to hold on to one of our stops. He's not running it down. It's just getting harder in new york. One, two, three. C'mon. This is fucked up. What, pussy? The kolar uncle is gonna find a kid dead on one of his bins and get out of our fucking business? No way. Louis brassi sleeps with the fishes. Luca brassi. Luca. Whatever. There's differences, Christopher, okay? From the Luca brassi situatIon and this. Look... The kolars know the kid is dead, it hardens their position. Plus now the cops are looking for a fucking murderer. So, what do you want to do? He disappears. He never comes home. They know. But they don't know. They hope, maybe he'll turn up. If... C'mon. Let's get him. Got him? Take him to staten island. I'll cut him up. Pussy, you know, T collapsing at the birthday. What would you do if he was like... Disabled? Why would you even ask that? | 
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| Our lecture series in action. It's someone from the university discussing the novels of, I believe, Zora Neale Hurston. Didn't you just read her in school, med? It's very nice. You know, grandma, this place is pretty neat. You should really think about it. This room was renovated last year. What goes on behind there? Those doors lead to our nursing unit. This is a nursing home. This is a residence. But just in case-- no, you're not getting me into a nursing home. Ma, you're not listening to what she's saying, ma. Ma. Ma. You're not listening. Ma. You think you're so high and mighty, don't you? With your fancy office. Ma. People come here to die. Oh, my god. Somebody get-- get a doctor. |  |
| So... You've come back for help. Don't look at that as a defeat. Oh, she's part of that generation that grew up during the depression. But the depression to her was a trip to six flags. There's that "d" word again. Stay with your mother. Now that my father's dead, he's a saint. When he was alive, nothing. My dad was tough. He ran his own crew. Guy like that and my mother wore him down to a little nub. He was a squeaking little gerbil when he died. Quite a formidable maternal presence. Got to be honest with you, I'M... I'm not getting any satisfaction from my work either. Why? Well, because of RICO. Is he your brother? No, the RICO statutes. Of course, right. You read the papers? You know, the government's use on electronic surveillance and various legal strategies to squeeze my business. Do you have any qualms about how you actually make a living? Yeah. I find I have to be the sad clown. Laughing on the outside. Crying on the inside. See... Things are trendin' downward. Used to be a guy got pinched, he took his prison jolt, no matter what. Everybody upheld a code of silence. Nowadays, no values. Guys today have no room for the penal experience. So everybody turns government witness. I feel exhausted just talking about it. Well... With today's pharmacology, no one needs to suffer with feelings of exhaustion and depression. Here we go. Here comes the prozac. | 
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| Mahaffey does not have the money. What do you mean mahaffey doesn't have the money? Mahaffey does not have the money. How could he not have the money? The man does not have the money. We ran the man over with the car. T, himself. The man has no wiggle room. He's bled dry. I hear that junior wants to whack pussy bonpensiero. Pussy malanga. Little pussy. Yeah, little pussy. You think he's gonna fuck with big pussy? My pussy? Table drinks on the house. All night. (Female) sorry. Sorry. Your uncle resents that you're the boss. Sadness accrues. Your uncle's had a hard-on his whole life. First against your father, his younger brother because he was a made man before him. And now you. So, sure, he can't stomach your telling him what to do. I love the man. The man is driven in toto by his insecurities. I feel bad I was the messenger. Your friend, artie, with the restaurant. Get him out of town for three weeks. That way the restaurant closes. The hit has to go down someplace else. You old fucking jew. No wonder my old man kept you around so long. So what about this fucking jew's 250 on mahaffey's 100? Alright, mahaffey has a new business partner. You. These HMO's, they pay out millions of dollars every day to doctors, hospitals. Whatever the fuck. That MRI I had, $2,000 a pop. We give this mahaffey a choice. He either has his company start paying out phony claims to fake clinics we set up, or... He pays hesh the 250 grand he owes him, which we know he cannot do. Or it's a rainy night in Lyndhurst. Very smart. Could be major. Could be as good as garbage. Hey, garbage is our bread and butter. Was. | 
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| (Knocking) miss meadow. So, med. I'm not going. Every year on this date since you were itty-bitty, mom and meadow get all dolled up, drive into new york plaza hotel for tea under eloise's portrait. Look. Where's yours? I have too much homework. Meadow, it's our little tradition. We always have so much fun. To tell you the truth, I felt it was dumb since I was eight. I just go because you like it. And here I thought this was something we would do long after you got married. With girls of your own. Hopefully I won't be living anywhere around here by then. (Voice on computer) you've got mail. Meadow, you can't just lie and cheat and break the rules you don't like. What, you have something you want to say to me? Mom, do you have any idea how much it means to actually go skiing in aspen? I mean, do you think that's gonna happen every year? Like lame tea and scones at the plaza hotel? Good-bye. Close my door please. |
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| Artie. Give me a drop. Give me a drop. A drop, not a spurt. A drop. Artie. Hey. How are ya? Stir the meatballs. I was wondering if you could help me out. Cruise, caribbean, SS Sagafjord. 11th through the 29th. Pair of tickets. I can't use them. Can you take 'em off my hands? Where'd they come from? Comps. Comps. What does that mean, comps? In my capacity as business manager for the kitchen and restaurant worker's union I administer a dental plan. You listening to me? Yeah, yeah. A couple of dentists got together and in appreciation, they awarded me these tickets. The problem is I can't get away those days. Here. When's the last time you got away, took a little vacation? Anthony, thank you. Alright. Mr. Soprano. You cannot accept a gift like that from tony soprano. No way. Charmaine, if I got to stick my hand up the ass of one more lobster without taking a break, I'm gonna go postal. Arthur, I don't even want to talk about it anymore, please! Art. Art. Melissa, come on honey, it's time to go home. Honey, you have to get away. We have to get away for the marriage. No, it's bad enough that these mobsters still come in and patronize the place, okay? But so what, we're not connected. Right, because we just turned down those tickets. But the tickets were comps. Tony is a labor leader. Arthur, please grow up. Does the mind not rebel in any possible scenario under which dentist is sending the don of new jersey first class on a norwegian steamship? C'mon, arthur. Somebody donated their kneecaps for those tickets. |
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