Sopranoland.com - Episode #1 - Pilot - Closed Captions Transcript

Sopranoland - The Sopranos Fan Mega Site

Episode #1 Closed Captions Transcript
Pilot
Captioned by HBO Communications Center, copyright 1999 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 > >
Images are not thumbnails, so fuhgeddaboutit!

Mr. Soprano? Yeah. Have a seat. (Clears throat) my understanding from Dr. Cusamano, your family physician, is that you collapsed, possibly a panic attack. You were unable to breathe. They said it was a panic attack because of all the blood work and the neurological work came back negative. And they sent me here. You don't agree that you had a panic attack? How are you feeling now? Good. Fine. Back at work. What line of work are you in? Waste management consultant. Look, it's impossible for me to talk to a psychiatrist. Any thoughts at all on why you blacked out? I don't know. Stress maybe. About what? (Soprano) I don't know...

The morning on the day I got sick, I've been thinking. It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that. I know. But lately I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over. (Psychiatrist) many Americans I think feel that way. (Soprano) I think about my father. He never reached the heights like me. But in a lot of ways he had it better. He had his people. They had their standards, they had pride. Today, what do we got? Did you have these feelings of loss more acutely in the hours before you collapsed? I don't know. (Quacking) (soprano) a couple months before, two wild ducks landed in my pool. It was amazing. They're from Canada or someplace. It was mating season. They had some ducklings.

What's the matter? Come on. Here we go. My daughter's friend was there to drive my daughter, meadow, to school. Meadow, your father with those ducks. I know the whole yard smells like duck poo. It's like embarrassing. Girls, you got to have more than just cranberry juice for breakfast, alright? You need brain food for school. Happy birthday, handsome. 13. He doesn't act it. Shut up. The male and female duck just made a home in your pool and did it. Ew, get out of here! So gross. Girls... You want some of last night's sfogliatell? Get out of here with that fat. One bite. How do you stay so skinny, Mrs. Soprano? Him, with those ducks. Listen, if you don't like that ramp I'll build you another one. Maybe it's the wood. (Soprano) hey, hey, kids, come here. Come here, they're trying to fly. Come here, the babies, they're trying to fly. Look, they're trying to fly. National geographic, dad. Yeah, super. You showed us yesterday. It was great. My wife feels this friend is a bad influence. It's so cool you're gonna be able to come to aspen with my family at Christmas. Last year at aspen I saw skeet ulrich. As close as from where you're sitting. Oh, my god. Miss meadow, we made a deal. You keep your school grades up and you keep your curfew between now and Christmas, then you get to go. I know that. Morning, ladies. Hey, Mr. Soprano. We're late, dad. Hey, happy birthday. Thanks, dad. You're gonna be home tonight for Anthony junior's birthday party, right? Bird man, hello? Yeah, yeah. I'll get home early from work. I'm not talking about work.

This isn't gonna work. I can't talk about my personal life. Finish telling me about the day you collapsed. (Soprano) I drove to work with my nephew, Christopher. He's learning the business. He's an example of what I was talking about before. Did you call, uh... What's his name down at triboro towers about the hauling contract? I got home too late last night. I didn't want to wake the man up. Did you get up early this morning and call? He's always in his office by six. I was nauseous this morning. My mother told me I shouldn't even come in today. (Soprano) bear in mind this is a kid who just bought himself a $60,000 Lexus. Who's that guy? Get out. Right there next to the boo-boo in pink. Back up. My friend, mahaffey, pullin' his taffy. Hello. We saw this guy and there was this issue of an outstanding loan. Can I stop you for a second? I don't know where this story is going. There are a few ethical ground rules we should quickly get of the way. What you tell me here falls under doctor-patient confidentiality. Except if I was-- if I was to hear, let's say a murder was to take place. Not that I'm saying it would, but if... If a patient comes to me and tells me a story where someone's going to get hurt, I'm supposed to go to the authorities. Technically. You said you were in waste management. Environment. Dr. Cusamano, besides being your family physician is also your next door neighbor. See what I'm saying? I don't know what happened with this fellow. I'm just saying-- nothing. We had coffee. (Male) help! Asshole! Tony! Wait up. Security. (Phone) you alright? My leg is broken. The bone's coming through. Let me see. I'll give you a fucking bone, you prick! Where's my fucking money? So you had coffee? Right. You son-of-a-bitch. Motherfucker. What are you doing? Get over here. That's three thousand dollars here. Three thousand dollars. Go ahead. Where's the fucking money? I'll get the money. I'll know you'll get the fucking money. But you know what you should get? A cork in your fucking mouth because you tell people I'm nothing compared to the people that used to run things. You prick. I'm nothing. I'm-- shut up. What are you crying about? HMO. You're covered, you prick. Degenerate fucking gambler.

(Psychiatrist) go on. (Soprano) next I had a breakfast meeting. I was called in to consult by a garbage hauling company I represent. Alright, what's the story with triboro towers? The site manager wants to renew his contract with Dick, but this kolar sanitation... It's another nationwide company. Yeah, the kolar brothers. They're some kind of Czechoslovakian immigrants or some shit. These polacks. They'll haul paper, plastic and aluminum for 7,000 a month less than Dick. So they pay us 40 times a monthly for steeling your stop. That's the thing, they won't. He says if he can tell the commie bosses back in Czechoslovakia to go fuck themselves, he can fucking tell us. Oh. I give up. Fucking garbage business. Yeah, I know, it's all changin'. Let me see what I can do. Are you sure? You over your stomachache? Good. What are you doing here? Hey. Gabriella sends me down here for the capicolli. Let me ask you something-- did you used to go to school with a guy named Artie Bucco? This situation came up. It involves my uncle. I can't go into details on this one. That's fine. But I will say this. My uncle adds to my general stress level. It's none of my business but down at the club word is your uncle junior is gonna whack pussy malanga. He's gonna do it at your friend Artie Bucco's restaurant.

Hey, boys. How are ya? Don't move. Uncle jun', how you doing? Good to see you. Hi, Chris. Hi, uncle jr. I was just talking about you. It's Anthony jr.'s birthday dinner tonight, right? Don't buy him anything big. You'll overindulge him. Okay? Hey! How's your rash? Good to see you. Good to see you. Come over. Have a seat. You know what it means for Arthur one of these old mutts gets wet in here? Yeah, ruin his business. You better sit down with your uncle. (Soprano) uncle junior is my father's brother. Good guy. Just getting old. Cranky. Used to take me to the Yankee games when I was a kid. I loved my uncle. At the same time... When I was young, he told my girl cousins I would never be a varsity athlete and frankly, that was a tremendous blow to my self-esteem.

(Female) who's there? It's me, ma. Who are you? Ma, open the door. Anthony? Yeah, it's me. Open the door. Hi. How are you? Jeez, ma, get some air in here. You lock the door after you? Yeah, I did. Somebody called here last night. After dark. Who? You think I'd answer, it was dark out. Ma, I'll never understand that. The phone is an auditory thing. Dark is an eye thing. I can understand not going out after dark. You get jumped in the shadows, whatever, but not answering the phone after dark? Listen to him, he knows everything. You want some lunch? I got eggplant. No, no, I just ate. You know who I just ran into? Uncle junior. Oh, that one. You think he ever comes to see his sister-in-law? You remember artie bucco? The kid who I went to elementary school with. Artie. Oh, I still see his mother. She tells me he calls her every day. Yeah, well, uncle jun's gonna make a problem for artie, could effect his livelihood. What's that? CD player. For who? For me? Yeah. I don't want it. You don't-- you love music. All the old stuff's been reissued on CD. All your old favorites. "Pajama game", connie Francis. Here. Come on. Come on, move around a little bit, it's good for you. Come on. Come on. Stop it. Ma, you need something to occupy your mind. When dad died you were gonna do all kinds of things. He was a saint. Yeah, I know he was, but he's gone. You were gonna travel, get a volunteer job. You done nothing. Stop telling me how to live my life. You just shut up. I just worry about you. Don't start with that nursing home business again. It's not a nursing home! How many times do I gotta say this? It's a retirement community. You're with active seniors your own age. You go places, you do things. I've seen these women in these nursing homes. In these wheelchairs, babbling like idiots. You eat your eggplant. I told you I already ate lunch. Just like a friend listen. You just speak to uncle junior about artie, okay? He respects you, he'll listen to you. If your uncle has business with Arthur he knows what he's doing. You had your way and I don't? Well... All I know is daughters are better at taking care of their mothers than sons. Yeah, and I bought CDs for a broken record. I except to see you tonight. At Anthony junior's birthday party with your baked ziti. Only if I'm picked up and I'm brought back home. I don't drive when they're predicting rain. You're a healthy girl. It's good for you to drive. Use it or lose it. I got to go to work. Sure. Run off.

That night was my son's birthday party. My wife invites the priest. He's always at the house. Hey, Tony. How you doing? You like creme anglais? You bless it, I'll eat it. She's not coming. Who? Grandma just called. Started crying and hung up. She needs a purpose in life. Your mother is tougher than you think. So what, no fucking ziti now? Hey! (Soprano) at first, it felt like ginger ale in my skull. Mom, daddy just fell! Mom! Tony! Tony! Dad! Get back. Daddy. Dad. Dad. Anthony junior, call 911.

Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 > >

This page was last updated on August 13, 2001
and is designed to be viewed at a resolution of 800 x 600 or greater

Created by

Episode #1 Closed Captions Transcript Pilot Captioned by HBO Communications Center, copyright 1999 Home Box Office, a division of Time Warner Entertainment Company, L.P. Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 > >	Images are not thumbnails, so fuhgeddaboutit!
Mr. Soprano? Yeah. Have a seat. (Clears throat) my understanding from Dr. Cusamano, your family physician, is that you collapsed, possibly a panic attack. You were unable to breathe. They said it was a panic attack because of all the blood work and the neurological work came back negative. And they sent me here. You don't agree that you had a panic attack? How are you feeling now? Good. Fine. Back at work. What line of work are you in? Waste management consultant. Look, it's impossible for me to talk to a psychiatrist. Any thoughts at all on why you blacked out? I don't know. Stress maybe. About what? (Soprano) I don't know...
The morning on the day I got sick, I've been thinking. It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that. I know. But lately I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over. (Psychiatrist) many Americans I think feel that way. (Soprano) I think about my father. He never reached the heights like me. But in a lot of ways he had it better. He had his people. They had their standards, they had pride. Today, what do we got? Did you have these feelings of loss more acutely in the hours before you collapsed? I don't know. (Quacking) (soprano) a couple months before, two wild ducks landed in my pool. It was amazing. They're from Canada or someplace. It was mating season. They had some ducklings.
What's the matter? Come on. Here we go. My daughter's friend was there to drive my daughter, meadow, to school. Meadow, your father with those ducks. I know the whole yard smells like duck poo. It's like embarrassing. Girls, you got to have more than just cranberry juice for breakfast, alright? You need brain food for school. Happy birthday, handsome. 13. He doesn't act it. Shut up. The male and female duck just made a home in your pool and did it. Ew, get out of here! So gross. Girls... You want some of last night's sfogliatell? Get out of here with that fat. One bite. How do you stay so skinny, Mrs. Soprano? Him, with those ducks. Listen, if you don't like that ramp I'll build you another one. Maybe it's the wood. (Soprano) hey, hey, kids, come here. Come here, they're trying to fly. Come here, the babies, they're trying to fly. Look, they're trying to fly. National geographic, dad. Yeah, super. You showed us yesterday. It was great. My wife feels this friend is a bad influence. It's so cool you're gonna be able to come to aspen with my family at Christmas. Last year at aspen I saw skeet ulrich. As close as from where you're sitting. Oh, my god. Miss meadow, we made a deal. You keep your school grades up and you keep your curfew between now and Christmas, then you get to go. I know that. Morning, ladies. Hey, Mr. Soprano. We're late, dad. Hey, happy birthday. Thanks, dad. You're gonna be home tonight for Anthony junior's birthday party, right? Bird man, hello? Yeah, yeah. I'll get home early from work. I'm not talking about work.
This isn't gonna work. I can't talk about my personal life. Finish telling me about the day you collapsed. (Soprano) I drove to work with my nephew, Christopher. He's learning the business. He's an example of what I was talking about before. Did you call, uh... What's his name down at triboro towers about the hauling contract? I got home too late last night. I didn't want to wake the man up. Did you get up early this morning and call? He's always in his office by six. I was nauseous this morning. My mother told me I shouldn't even come in today. (Soprano) bear in mind this is a kid who just bought himself a $60,000 Lexus. Who's that guy? Get out. Right there next to the boo-boo in pink. Back up. My friend, mahaffey, pullin' his taffy. Hello. We saw this guy and there was this issue of an outstanding loan. Can I stop you for a second? I don't know where this story is going. There are a few ethical ground rules we should quickly get of the way. What you tell me here falls under doctor-patient confidentiality. Except if I was-- if I was to hear, let's say a murder was to take place. Not that I'm saying it would, but if... If a patient comes to me and tells me a story where someone's going to get hurt, I'm supposed to go to the authorities. Technically. You said you were in waste management. Environment. Dr. Cusamano, besides being your family physician is also your next door neighbor. See what I'm saying? I don't know what happened with this fellow. I'm just saying-- nothing. We had coffee. (Male) help! Asshole! Tony! Wait up. Security. (Phone) you alright? My leg is broken. The bone's coming through. Let me see. I'll give you a fucking bone, you prick! Where's my fucking money? So you had coffee? Right. You son-of-a-bitch. Motherfucker. What are you doing? Get over here. That's three thousand dollars here. Three thousand dollars. Go ahead. Where's the fucking money? I'll get the money. I'll know you'll get the fucking money. But you know what you should get? A cork in your fucking mouth because you tell people I'm nothing compared to the people that used to run things. You prick. I'm nothing. I'm-- shut up. What are you crying about? HMO. You're covered, you prick. Degenerate fucking gambler.
(Psychiatrist) go on. (Soprano) next I had a breakfast meeting. I was called in to consult by a garbage hauling company I represent. Alright, what's the story with triboro towers? The site manager wants to renew his contract with Dick, but this kolar sanitation... It's another nationwide company. Yeah, the kolar brothers. They're some kind of Czechoslovakian immigrants or some shit. These polacks. They'll haul paper, plastic and aluminum for 7,000 a month less than Dick. So they pay us 40 times a monthly for steeling your stop. That's the thing, they won't. He says if he can tell the commie bosses back in Czechoslovakia to go fuck themselves, he can fucking tell us. Oh. I give up. Fucking garbage business. Yeah, I know, it's all changin'. Let me see what I can do. Are you sure? You over your stomachache? Good. What are you doing here? Hey. Gabriella sends me down here for the capicolli. Let me ask you something-- did you used to go to school with a guy named Artie Bucco? This situation came up. It involves my uncle. I can't go into details on this one. That's fine. But I will say this. My uncle adds to my general stress level. It's none of my business but down at the club word is your uncle junior is gonna whack pussy malanga. He's gonna do it at your friend Artie Bucco's restaurant.
Hey, boys. How are ya? Don't move. Uncle jun', how you doing? Good to see you. Hi, Chris. Hi, uncle jr. I was just talking about you. It's Anthony jr.'s birthday dinner tonight, right? Don't buy him anything big. You'll overindulge him. Okay? Hey! How's your rash? Good to see you. Good to see you. Come over. Have a seat. You know what it means for Arthur one of these old mutts gets wet in here? Yeah, ruin his business. You better sit down with your uncle. (Soprano) uncle junior is my father's brother. Good guy. Just getting old. Cranky. Used to take me to the Yankee games when I was a kid. I loved my uncle. At the same time... When I was young, he told my girl cousins I would never be a varsity athlete and frankly, that was a tremendous blow to my self-esteem.
(Female) who's there? It's me, ma. Who are you? Ma, open the door. Anthony? Yeah, it's me. Open the door. Hi. How are you? Jeez, ma, get some air in here. You lock the door after you? Yeah, I did. Somebody called here last night. After dark. Who? You think I'd answer, it was dark out. Ma, I'll never understand that. The phone is an auditory thing. Dark is an eye thing. I can understand not going out after dark. You get jumped in the shadows, whatever, but not answering the phone after dark? Listen to him, he knows everything. You want some lunch? I got eggplant. No, no, I just ate. You know who I just ran into? Uncle junior. Oh, that one. You think he ever comes to see his sister-in-law? You remember artie bucco? The kid who I went to elementary school with. Artie. Oh, I still see his mother. She tells me he calls her every day. Yeah, well, uncle jun's gonna make a problem for artie, could effect his livelihood. What's that? CD player. For who? For me? Yeah. I don't want it. You don't-- you love music. All the old stuff's been reissued on CD. All your old favorites. "Pajama game", connie Francis. Here. Come on. Come on, move around a little bit, it's good for you. Come on. Come on. Stop it. Ma, you need something to occupy your mind. When dad died you were gonna do all kinds of things. He was a saint. Yeah, I know he was, but he's gone. You were gonna travel, get a volunteer job. You done nothing. Stop telling me how to live my life. You just shut up. I just worry about you. Don't start with that nursing home business again. It's not a nursing home! How many times do I gotta say this? It's a retirement community. You're with active seniors your own age. You go places, you do things. I've seen these women in these nursing homes. In these wheelchairs, babbling like idiots. You eat your eggplant. I told you I already ate lunch. Just like a friend listen. You just speak to uncle junior about artie, okay? He respects you, he'll listen to you. If your uncle has business with Arthur he knows what he's doing. You had your way and I don't? Well... All I know is daughters are better at taking care of their mothers than sons. Yeah, and I bought CDs for a broken record. I except to see you tonight. At Anthony junior's birthday party with your baked ziti. Only if I'm picked up and I'm brought back home. I don't drive when they're predicting rain. You're a healthy girl. It's good for you to drive. Use it or lose it. I got to go to work. Sure. Run off.
That night was my son's birthday party. My wife invites the priest. He's always at the house. Hey, Tony. How you doing? You like creme anglais? You bless it, I'll eat it. She's not coming. Who? Grandma just called. Started crying and hung up. She needs a purpose in life. Your mother is tougher than you think. So what, no fucking ziti now? Hey! (Soprano) at first, it felt like ginger ale in my skull. Mom, daddy just fell! Mom! Tony! Tony! Dad! Get back. Daddy. Dad. Dad. Anthony junior, call 911.
Page 1 Page 2 Page 3 > >